Social Fitness for Divorce

Meet New People in Groups

There are several ways to enjoy the company of grownups now that you're single again. One of the best ways to meet new people is to do what you used to do in your much younger days. Remember when 'dating' was strictly done in groups? Go back to those early times when mom and dad would only let you date if you did so in a group; like all going to the movies or bowling or skating, etc. Now is the time to resurrect that practice. In doing so, you meet new people without the pressures of one-on-one dating.

Organized Fun

Another option for getting back into a social life is joining a singles group that takes part in some sort of structured activity, like tours, cruises, or other gatherings. Many church groups offer social gatherings for newly divorced people as a way to lift spirits of people in their congregation. Women's groups, universities, hospitals, and even fitness centers often arrange evenings specifically for divorced or single people to meet and have some fun away from home. Think about the activities you enjoy and I'll bet you can find a group who has organized it into a singles event.

Dating Again

Perhaps you have already spent time with groups having fun. Maybe you've even gone on a singles cruise or bike tour. If you've been spending time meeting new people doing things you enjoy doing, then it's possible you've met a single person who you have something in common with. Now comes the time when you have to consider whether or not you're ready for dating. Not the kind of dating that involves a crowd; now you're into a whole different world. Most people would agree that this step can only come after getting together with larger groups of people with similar interests. Here's where your social fitness is truly tested.

The Casual Date

If and when you finally decide it's time to date one person, there are simple rules to follow that you may not remember, or that might have changed since your dating days. When you agree to go out on a date with someone, suggest a casual, public place. Pick a time and let your date know you will meet them there. You don't want a new date to pick you up at your house. It's way to early in a relationship to let someone know where you live. First dates donÕt always go well, so you'll also want to plan for a short date. Tell your date that you have about an hour or so before you have to get your kids off to soccer practice, or some such event. That gives you, and your date, a limit on time and an easy out if things are not working well. Meet for coffee and maybe a stroll through the park and see how things go.

Kids and Boundaries 

No matter how or when you begin to get out there and meet new people, remember that every new friend doesn't have to become a part of your kids' life. These friendships can be temporary, perhaps fleeting, and kids of divorce can be adversely affected by people coming in and out of your life. Kids can become attached to new people, even hoping for a new daddy or mommy if the divorce was particularly cruel. In other words, go ahead and meet new people, even date one particular person, but do so without involving your children. Give yourself and your new friend time to get to know each other before you bring in the family.

Speed Dating and Electronic Dating

Any talk of dating these days must at least brush upon the e-dating and speed-dating world. Electronic dating is basically internet sites that offer matching services or chat-rooms to meet new people. Speed-dating is a fast-growing industry, too. It's based on the concept that you can meet someone and know in very little time if you want to know more about them, or not. Yes, there are success stories with electronic dating and speed-dating, but you have to be careful. Are you looking to meet people or are you looking to get remarried quickly? A recommendation from a friend with personal experience would be most advisable in both of these new matching services. 

And, guarding your safety is critical, so beware of any e-dating, speed-dating, chat-room, or forum that asks for too much personal or financial information. Of course, the same safety rules apply when first dating a person you have met in person and one you've met online -- meet in public, have your own car, do not give out your home address, and limit your time together.

Getting back "in shape" after a divorce takes work. You have to take care of yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and socially. When you were married, your marriage was an entity in itself. That entity took care of many of your needs. You made decisions within the marriage based on what would benefit the marriage. After the divorce is final, you start to see yourself as a single entity once again. Taking care of yourself now that you're single is crucial to coming through divorce a healthy person. The time you spend walking through this process will benefit you now, and in the future.