Collaborative Divorce in Nebraska

Action 3 News Story Highlights Divorce Insurance

2011-11-22T15:28:00.000-08:00

Action 3 News has a story today about divorce insurance.

You can find out more here about the company that provides the insurance: Wedlock Divorce Insurance.

Article on Collaborative Divorce on Huffington Post

2011-11-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

Here's a good article on the Huffington Post website about collaborative divorce by an attorney who practices collaborative law.

An Epidemic of Mid-Life Divorces

2011-10-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

Recently, I read somewhere that the divorce of someone close to you is a warning signal that may indicate that your relationship is at risk as well. Although most divorces -- especially adversarial, non-collaborative divorces -- are painful and expensive, there can be a bit of "jealousy" from longtime married folks when a friend or colleague divorces. Although divorces are a time of difficult transition, there is something liberating about the process as well. Most of us fear change, although we secretly long for it. "The grass is greener" theory, perhaps?

There seems to be an epidemic of mid-life divorces occurring around Omaha these days. Longtime married folks -- those married for 10, 15, or 20 years, are posting their "Single" status on Facebook. They're posting provocative pictures of "Girls Night Out," or ... even worse, the "cryptic" Facebook status updates ... the ones that allude to people not supporting their choices, or not understanding what they're going through. (Or the reverse -- the "shout-outs" to those who are supporting them, while lambasting those who have stayed silent on the topic.)

Even worse, are the Wall Photos. These two appeared on a friend's Facebook page this past week:

and

Then comes the inevitable admission: "We're getting a divorce." When a friend gets to this point, it's time to focus more on your own relationship. Don't let the divorce be contagious. (Oh, and suggest to your friend that they keep their relationship issues off Facebook.)

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

2011-08-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

Once the divorce is over, things are just beginning with you and your ex-spouse ... when it comes to the children. Hopefully, in your collaborative divorce, you were able to come to an agreement about things like visitation schedules, decision-making when it comes to the children, etc.

Now it's time to implement those decisions -- and it may be easier said than done, unless you can keep the same principles in mind that made your collaborative divorce work. Check out this website, Co-Parenting 101, for some additional tips.

Collaborative Divorce - Free Webinar

2011-08-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

Although not offered by Nebraska practitioners, those interested in learning more about collaborative divorce should consider attending this free webinar, "Collaborative Practice -- A Better Approach to Conflict Resolution" on Thursday, Sept. 22 from 12-1 p.m. Eastern time. If you're not able to make the live session, you can register and receive the recording.

Adversarial Divorces Can Have Unintended Consequences

2011-08-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

As this article points out difficult divorces can lead to suicide. From the article:

“The fact that increasing divorce rates are linked with increasing suicides in men as well as in women can be interpreted as showing that stable social relationships provide protection against suicide,” Austrian researchers reported in March in the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine.

Adversarial divorces can be even harder on people than a collaborative divorce. Consider the consequences when choosing to pursue litigation instead of a collaborative divorce.

Divorce Coach's Insight into Collaborative Divorce

2011-07-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

Here's an article by Sassona Baron, a therapist and divorce coach in Vancouver, British Columbia, about "Five Hopeful Reasons for Collaborative Divorce: A Divorce Coach Perspective."

How Holidays Change After the Divorce

2011-07-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

Happy Fourth of July weekend!

If you are contemplating divorce, one of the things you may not have considered is how your holidays will change after the divorce. Long-held family traditions may need to be altered or scrapped entirely. Family trips to the cabin, traditions of attending hometown fireworks displays, and even simple things like hanging out with the in-laws will likely be different in the future.

If you have children, one of the issues that will need to be decided is how the holidays are spent. In Nebraska, a parenting plan is required to be on file before the divorce can be finalized. You can develop the parenting plan in collaboration with your spouse, or you may require mediation to finalize all the details.

When developing the parenting plan, be sure to specify how holidays will be handled. Will each parent receive a designated "set" of holidays each year, and alternate that set each year with the other parent? For example, one parent gets Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and New Year's and the other gets Memorial Day, Labor Day, Halloween, and Christmas? When does the "holiday" begin? Does it begin at 6 p.m. the night before the holiday, and end at noon on the day after the holiday? Does it begin when the children are released from school (for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's) and end when the children return to school?

Making sure that you identify and address these holiday-related issues will help ensure a smooth transition for you, your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, and your children.

Deciding holiday visitation can often be a contentious issue. If you choose a collaborative divorce, your collaborative divorce attorney can help you negotiate the holiday schedule for the parenting plan. And your divorce coach can help you navigate the minefield of emotions you'll likely face as you think about not spending your Christmas with your child this year, for example, or giving up your New Year's tradition of game night, football on television, and fuzzy pajamas.

But remember -- holidays are just a day on the calendar. You can celebrate these days at any time ... and feel free to develop your own new traditions, post-divorce.

An Attorney Explains Collaborative Divorce (Video)

2011-06-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

Attorney Alan Freed is interviewed on TV station KSDK about the collaborative divorce process. (Click the blue link to view the video.)

Freed explains how the collaborative divorce process works, how it is different from mediation, and the interaction of specialists (including mental health therapists) in the process. He also responds to the question about whether collaborative divorce is quicker than a traditional divorce. The interviewer asks if collaborative divorce attorneys have a hard time convincing clients to choose this route -- Freed responds that couples who have children, for example, choose collaborative divorce because they want to be able to have that parenting relationship after the divorce is finished. He also explains that most people going through a divorce are fearful of the process, and there are two ways to handle that fear: To ramp up into a battle or to understand they are fearful and work with a team to get through the process.

Because Lawyers Aren't Accountants (Part I)

2011-06-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

In a blog post earlier this week about the Tax Implications of Divorce, I mentioned how the child tax exemption can be a big factor in a financial settlement.

Just yesterday, I came across another situation which highlights the importance of having a financial specialist involved in a divorce. This is a real situation.

In March 2010, a 15-year marriage was dissolved at the direction of a Douglas County judge. The divorce had been extremely contentious (this was not a collaborative case), and settlement negotiations broke down on the day of the divorce trial, and the case went before the judge to decide several issues -- primarily all financial. One of the key issues at hand was that the plaintiff in the case (the woman) had filed her tax return for 2008 (the year which she filed for divorce), but refused to provide a copy of the return to the defendant. Without that information, the defendant could not file his tax return, as the couple had several minor children, and he was unclear which -- if any -- of the children she had claimed as exemptions.

As the divorce dragged on, the defendant did not file his 2009 tax return either. When the case finally went to trial in 2010, one of the key financial issues was the unpaid tax liability from 2008 and 2009. The defendant's accountant had advised him that the 2008 liability was projected to be $20,000 (due to inadequate estimated tax payments, but also interest and penalties that had accrued from nonfiling and nonpayment). But the accountant projected that the liability could be reduced to approximately $10,000 if the wife's original 2008 return was amended and all relevant deductions were included (including home mortgage interest and all child tax exemptions -- it was found through a deposition and subsequent discovery that the wife had not claimed all the children when she filed the return).

The judge in the case ordered that the parties amend the 2008 returns to "married filing jointly," with the defendant assuming responsibility for paying the (reduced) tax liability as part of the overall financial settlement. When asked by the judge if she believed the financial settlement to be fair, the wife testified "yes."

Fast forward one year. The defendant's accountant drafted the revised tax return and the defendant presented it to his ex-wife to sign. She initially refused, but finally did so, when reminded of the court order. The defendant submitted the amended tax return to the IRS, and when the return was accepted, submitted a request for a payment plan, since he did not have sufficient cash to pay his tax obligations from 2010, 2009, and 2008 all at once (the total amount for all years exceeded $25,000).

One thing most people don't realize about financial settlements in a divorce is that certain entities don't recognize divorce settlements. Chief among these are the IRS and credit card companies. If you're a party to the obligation, they will pursue payment from you, whether you're responsible (according to the divorce judgment) or not.

What this meant to the plaintiff (the wife in the divorce action) is this: When she filed her 2010 tax return, she was notified that her refund would be garnished (seized) to apply towards the 2008 tax liability (from the amended joint tax return).

In a future blog post, I'll provide more details about what the plaintiff did next, and what the outcome was with the IRS, but the lesson is clear: Lawyers and judges aren't financial specialists. Heck, even accountants aren't financial specialists.

Having a joint financial specialist advising both parties in a divorce action (which is the case with collaborative divorce cases in Nebraska) is critical to not only making financial decisions in a divorce settlement, but also in explaining the impact of these decisions to both parties (and, sometimes, the lawyers involved).

Tax Implications of Divorce

2011-06-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

In a recent blog post, I wrote about the use of a financial specialist in collaborative divorce to assess the impact of financial decisions throughout the divorce process.

This article, from DivorceInfo, highlights the impact of one issue -- the child tax exemption -- in divorce financial planning. It explains how the child exemption may be worth "more" or "less" to one parent in the divorce, and what IRS forms are required to transfer this deduction. (The custodial parent will have to complete an IRS form 8332 to allow the non-custodial parent to claim the exemption.) It also outlines some standard language which can be included in the divorce agreement to revoke the transfer, if the non-custodial parent (male or female) is not current on child support or other obligations.

Why A Financial Specialist is Vital in Divorce

2011-06-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

In most traditional divorces, it is up to the couples and their attorneys to value the marital assets and determine a financial settlement. In some cases -- for example, when there is a family business -- an outside consultant may be called in to value the business and provide scenarios to determine future ownership and compensation to the other party.

But in most cases, it's the parties themselves -- either with, or without the assistance of their attorney -- who end up valuing assets. And this can be a difficult job. When a family member went through this process a few years ago, I saw how difficult this could be. Even "objective" measures for valuing items -- for example, using the Kelly Blue Book value to determine the valuation of a vehicle -- can be subjective. One spouse who wants to retain an asset may claim that there is more "wear and tear" on the item, and therefore, it's worth less. Spouses may disagree on how current value should be measured. A bedroom set purchased the year before for $1700 may be worth $500 (if that's what similar items are selling for on Craigslist) to the spouse that wants to keep the item -- or $1250 to the spouse (similar items sell in a local used furniture store) who will likely be compensated for the value of the item.

Then there are the "intangibles." Like claiming the children as a tax deduction. What is the value of the deduction? It can be more than what you think -- or less. It might have more value to a self-employed parent, or to a parent who wishes to claim additional tax credits (for example, the HOPE credit). A financial specialist can be extremely useful in running projections for different tax scenarios and providing objective guidance on this intangible "asset" (the child exemption).

Each collaborative divorce in Nebraska includes a financial specialist for this very reason -- to help the parties assess the financial implications of the divorce-related decisions they will make. And, to avoid dueling assessments, the parties share a financial specialist, who objectively assesses the issues at hand.

A Video Explaining Collaborative Divorce

2011-06-21T08:41:00.001-07:00

Check out this video, which explains the collaborative divorce process.

In a collaborative divorce in Omaha, you will have a financial specialist and at least two mental health specialists (a social worker, counselor, marriage and family therapist, or psychologist) as part of your collaborative divorce team. (You may also have another mental health therapist who serves as a shared "child specialist" to assist with issues involving the children.)

Watch the short video here:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/6568851/collaborative_divorce/

Collaborative Divorce -- A Judge's Perspective

2011-06-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

What do judges think about collaborative divorce?

When you're considering divorce, you might not even consider what the judge's perspective is...but if you choose an adversarial divorce -- and if you and your spouse can't agree on how to settle key issues -- the judge will be the one making that decision.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Well, that's fine. If we can't agree, the judge will be fair." What you consider fair and what the court considers fair might be two completely different issues. You might think it would be fair to sell the house, pay off the outstanding debts, and split any proceeds left over. The judge might look at that differently, and allow your spouse to keep the house, take on the obligation of the joint debt, and sell the house 6-7 years down the road, when your kids go off to college. This effectively "ties" you to the debt until your spouse pays it off and ties up your equity in the house for years. This might be "fair" in the judge's eyes (it keeps your kids in the house they grew up in, and your spouse is "technically" liable for the debt, and you'll get your equity someday), but you might not think it's fair.

You have to remember -- judges don't want to have to make these decisions for you. At least in Nebraska, most judges are "all-purpose" -- not divorce-specific. They may go from hearing a murder trial one day to your divorce hearing the next. They don't like hearing couples squabble -- and even a "fair" judge may get tired of the case and make a ruling that both parties don't agree with -- just to make the point that he'd rather you two make the decisions yourself.

Interested in a judge's perspective on collaborative divorce? Check out this DVD: Collaborative Divorce, A Judge's Perspective.

Divorce: The Big Picture

2011-06-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

Most married people don't take divorce lightly. Ending a marriage is a complicated, messy, depressing, and often scary process. What happens during this difficult time depends largely on how each party to the divorce prepares themselves. That preparation includes the legal aspect, of course, but also the emotional preparation.

When a couple decides to divorce, the wheels are put into motion for many things, including the day-to-day decisions about where to live and how to best take care of the children. When spouses can agree to act like grownups and come to just and fair decisions together, the jagged edges of divorce can be smoothed somewhat.

This blog series has approached a few legal issues involved in divorce and the support of the children. However, this is never meant to replace sound legal advice by an attorney. Each case is different and requires more examination than a short report can offer. In other words, consult your attorney for details regarding your own divorce.

Previous blog posts have also approached the touchy subjects of healing, especially with regard to children. Children of divorce are wounded, no matter how amiable the divorce was. There is really no such thing as a friendly divorce where kids are concerned. There will be a division of households and attention, and that will cause stress for children. Do not neglect good psychological care for you or your children. Not only do you want good legal guidance during a divorce, you want good psychological guidance, as well.

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part IV

2011-06-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all this, you may not have thought about something as mundane as filing your income taxes. Discuss with your tax accountant these issues:

The advantages to finalizing divorce before the end of the year
The advantages to finalizing divorce after the end of the year
Filing jointly versus filing individually
Is it reasonable to expect you and your spouse are amiable to filing jointly if necessary?

Your lawyer and tax accountant will have their own checklists which will cover in great detail the variables in your state's divorce laws. This checklist is just meant to get you discussing the basic information with your spouse so you can start gathering the necessary documentation.

When the time comes to walk into the lawyer's office, you want to have as much paperwork ready to hand over as possible. This cuts down on the discussion in front of your lawyer, which will reduce your costs. Preparation will ease the process, and with such a volatile situation as divorce, the more you can avoid chaos, the better the final outcome will be.

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part III

2011-06-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

Be sure you discuss the following before arriving at the attorney's office:

Will either spouse remain in home as part of the final settlement?
Gather mortgage papers for calculating liability
Gather estimates for repairs necessary
Gather outstanding bills due for maintenance
Gather any liens against property for any outstanding bills
If principal residence is to be sold, have fair market value determined by appropriate agency
Have real estate taxes ready; depending on state, this can be one year or several years
Are there other real estate properties, rentals, vacation homes to divide?
Discuss tax considerations of all property distributions with your tax accountant

The property division is usually the most tedious, but the decisions regarding child custody and child support often cause the most rancor. Because each family has unique situations, there are no hard and fast rules. Be sure to discuss your family's needs with your spouse before you arrive at the lawyer's office to save time and money. Here are several issues to consider regarding your family's support, now and in the future:

Alimony
Physical custody of children
Legal custody of children
Child support payments
Visitation parameters
Tax deduction for children
Tax consequences of alimony and child support; discuss with tax accountant
Health insurance plan changes to cover the children
Health insurance COBRA paperwork
Beneficiary changes and continued payments for other insurance plans
Changes to wills and/or trusts

In a collaborative divorce, the financial specialist can help you address these issues.

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part II

2011-06-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick list of some additional information you may need, but your situation may require more detail:

Current occupation of each spouse, including names and addresses of employers
Prior years' income tax returns; depending on state this could be one year or several years
Income of each spouse; may require a copy of current paycheck stub
Expenses of each spouse; may require copies of bills for a month or more

Now comes the property. This can become very tedious. Start with the largest items, then the smaller items.

Here's a short checklist to get you started:

Jointly and separately held large assets; have deeds, mortgage papers, stock certificates, etc. ready
Jointly and separately held vehicles, boats, etc.; have titles and any liens ready
Jointly and separately held bank accounts; have several months statements copied and ready
Household belongings; have a detailed list of items with value estimated tentatively divided in half
If there is a liability attached to any asset, have papers available to support claims

Other assets might not come immediately to mind like physical property does. Here is a list to help you start thinking of some of the less tangible items that may play a part in the divorce settlement:

Employee benefits each spouse is entitled to including retirement
Life, health, and disability insurance policies owned by each spouse
Annuities
Property settlements
Judgments in your favor
Trusts
Gifts

Decisions regarding property, large and small, will be made using the information you provide.

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part I

2011-06-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

When first discussing divorce, your head may be swimming with confusion. Not only are there the day-to-day decisions to be made about taking care of the children, the bills, and the simple logistics, but there are the legal concerns as well. How do you keep your head from exploding with all the stress of a divorce proceeding?

Start with a basic checklist. The following is an overview of items to consider as you move along in the legalities of divorce. Of course, your situation will determine what applies and you will always do best to check with your attorney and tax accountant through each step.

Let's begin with the very basic information. You'll need these items written clearly on a document and/or copies of documentation to present your lawyer:

Your full name, date of birth, and social security number
Your spouse's full name, date of birth, and social security number
Any prior names of you and your spouse, including birth names and previous married names -- this includes all aliases
Full names, birth dates, and social security numbers of all children; this includes any children that you and your spouse are legally responsible for from other marriages
A copy of your marriage license showing the date and location
A copy of any previous marriages, divorces, or annulments
In some states you may need a certified copy of each spouse's birth certificate
Proof of residency in state where filing petition for divorce; this may be a copy of your drivers license
Current addresses and phone numbers for each spouse
Names, addresses, and phone numbers for legal counsel of both spouses
Who is paying the legal fees?
If there was a prenuptial agreement, have it available

After establishing your identity, history, and residency with these items, the next most likely information your attorney will ask for is your financial papers, including information about wages. You'll want to gather as much information as you can before you walk into the lawyer's office.

Social Fitness for Divorce

2011-06-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

Meet New People in Groups

There are several ways to enjoy the company of grownups now that you're single again. One of the best ways to meet new people is to do what you used to do in your much younger days. Remember when 'dating' was strictly done in groups? Go back to those early times when mom and dad would only let you date if you did so in a group; like all going to the movies or bowling or skating, etc. Now is the time to resurrect that practice. In doing so, you meet new people without the pressures of one-on-one dating.

Organized Fun

Another option for getting back into a social life is joining a singles group that takes part in some sort of structured activity, like tours, cruises, or other gatherings. Many church groups offer social gatherings for newly divorced people as a way to lift spirits of people in their congregation. Women's groups, universities, hospitals, and even fitness centers often arrange evenings specifically for divorced or single people to meet and have some fun away from home. Think about the activities you enjoy and I'll bet you can find a group who has organized it into a singles event.

Dating Again

Perhaps you have already spent time with groups having fun. Maybe you've even gone on a singles cruise or bike tour. If you've been spending time meeting new people doing things you enjoy doing, then it's possible you've met a single person who you have something in common with. Now comes the time when you have to consider whether or not you're ready for dating. Not the kind of dating that involves a crowd; now you're into a whole different world. Most people would agree that this step can only come after getting together with larger groups of people with similar interests. Here's where your social fitness is truly tested.

The Casual Date

If and when you finally decide it's time to date one person, there are simple rules to follow that you may not remember, or that might have changed since your dating days. When you agree to go out on a date with someone, suggest a casual, public place. Pick a time and let your date know you will meet them there. You don't want a new date to pick you up at your house. It's way to early in a relationship to let someone know where you live. First dates donÕt always go well, so you'll also want to plan for a short date. Tell your date that you have about an hour or so before you have to get your kids off to soccer practice, or some such event. That gives you, and your date, a limit on time and an easy out if things are not working well. Meet for coffee and maybe a stroll through the park and see how things go.

Kids and Boundaries

No matter how or when you begin to get out there and meet new people, remember that every new friend doesn't have to become a part of your kids' life. These friendships can be temporary, perhaps fleeting, and kids of divorce can be adversely affected by people coming in and out of your life. Kids can become attached to new people, even hoping for a new daddy or mommy if the divorce was particularly cruel. In other words, go ahead and meet new people, even date one particular person, but do so without involving your children. Give yourself and your new friend time to get to know each other before you bring in the family.

Speed Dating and Electronic Dating

Any talk of dating these days must at least brush upon the e-dating and speed-dating world. Electronic dating is basically internet sites that offer matching services or chat-rooms to meet new people. Speed-dating is a fast-growing industry, too. It's based on the concept that you can meet someone and know in very little time if you want to know more about them, or not. Yes, there are success stories with electronic dating and speed-dating, but you have to be careful. Are you looking to meet people or are you looking to get remarried quickly? A recommendation from a friend with personal experience would be most advisable in both of these new matching services.

And, guarding your safety is critical, so beware of any e-dating, speed-dating, chat-room, or forum that asks for too much personal or financial information. Of course, the same safety rules apply when first dating a person you have met in person and one you've met online -- meet in public, have your own car, do not give out your home address, and limit your time together.

Getting back "in shape" after a divorce takes work. You have to take care of yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and socially. When you were married, your marriage was an entity in itself. That entity took care of many of your needs. You made decisions within the marriage based on what would benefit the marriage. After the divorce is final, you start to see yourself as a single entity once again. Taking care of yourself now that you're single is crucial to coming through divorce a healthy person. The time you spend walking through this process will benefit you now, and in the future.

Physical Fitness and Your Divorce

2011-06-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

Physical fitness is another important component of your fitness for divorce. Here are some suggestions:

Get Moving

Exercise is good for you for a number of reasons. Those wonderful feel-good hormones, the endorphins, are released during exercise and will have you feeling upbeat and positive before you know it. When you exercise you also increase oxygen to the brain, which will have you thinking more clearly, even sorting out problems you thought would never be solved.

Your body may have suffered during the divorce due to lack of exercise and overeating. You may have gained weight. This alone can bring on feelings of self-doubt or worthlessness. Conditions like high blood pressure and high cholesterol can be alleviated with proper exercise. Your overall outlook will be better when you get out and get moving.

Eat Healthy

When going through the divorce, you may have found yourself devouring huge bags of chips or candy. I won't go into the psychological aspects of this; you can probably see the link easily enough. But, now that the papers are signed, you need to throw out the junk and begin anew. Healthy, nutritious foods will give you the energy you need to get through the day. Eating healthy, whole foods are known to heal the body. When you provide wholesome foods to your body you are also feeding your brain. Not only will you reduce the chance of developing high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes, but you will be setting a good example for your children.

Emotional Fitness and Your Divorce

2011-06-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

The second step in "Fitness for Divorce" is your emotional health. Here are some things to consider:

Time Out

A divorce can wreak havoc on the body, mind, and soul. The stress of raw emotions, tight finances, courtroom drama (if you didn't choose a collaborative divorce), legal haggling, and sad children can cause your entire system to shut down. You can be left depressed and physically ill.

Take care of yourself first. You know the plane safety demonstration with the oxygen? Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then your children. There's a reason for that. You won't be any help to your children if you let yourself deteriorate. Steal money out of the grocery fund if you have to and live on beans! Do something to get away and remember what it was like to spend a little time in the company of someone special...you.

Laugh

When you get divorced, you may go through a time when nothing seems funny, or fun. You may have avoided your friends. You most likely have experienced a degree of depression. Now is a good time to have a laugh, to start living again. The sheer power that a good laugh has to improve your mood is incredible. You don't have to do anything too involved; the simpler, the better. Enjoy a funny movie. Read a funny book. Go to a playground. Climb a tree. Read the Sunday comics. Play with some puppies or kittens. Play with your kids. Do whatever you need to in order to have a good belly-laugh.

Financial Fitness and Your Divorce

2011-06-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

Here are some tips for getting "financially fit" after divorce.

Make a Budget

When the divorce is final, your finances will probably change. Assets are divided in half, but so are the debts. With a budget, you can clearly see where your income is coming from, how much you can expect each month, and where you are in regard to the bills. Take a hard look at the budget. If you aren't taking in enough money, perhaps you'll need another job. If there are too many bills, perhaps you'll have to cut back on spending and even what you consider essentials, like cable television, the gym, new holiday outfits, and vacations.

Consider State and County Aid

When you are a newly single parent, you may be on shaky ground when it comes time to take on your share of the support of your children. Getting help from state and county agencies is a good way to make sure there is enough food on the table, a roof over your heads, and medical care when the kids need it. The court may have ordered child support payments from your ex-spouse, but getting back on your feet can be overwhelming even with child support.

If you're the one paying child support, you may be struggling with supporting two households on one budget. You may also be eligible for state and county services.

Keep Track of Child Support Payments

This may seem obvious, but there are people who lose track of their child support payments, especially if they are automatically deposited into an account. Stay on top of those payments so you always have an accurate picture of your financial standings. If the payments fall behind, it could cause you late fees and other charges when you can't pay your power, water, mortgage, or rent.

Nebraska offers a telephone-based system to track child support payments and disbursements (for both the spouse paying child support and the one receiving it). Call 1-877-631-9973. For more information on the Voice Response System, check out this page.

Insurance and Medical Expenses

One parent or the other may have the responsibility to carry the children on their health insurance policy. You may want to sign on for COBRA, the extension of benefits, under your spouse's insurance. Laws regarding insurance policies are very precise and time-sensitive, so you need to be on top of this. If insurance is unavailable, you will have to plan for medical expenses along with your spouse. These expenses may or may not have been part of the child support order. But, either way, things come up that even a court order can't predict. This is where an amiable relationship with your ex-spouse is helpful. You will have to work out payment agreements together and without rancor for the sake of the children.

Alimony

This is a temporary arrangement whereby the court has ordered one spouse to pay the other spouse a certain amount of money each month to help ease a financial burden. Be sure to include this amount in your budget; as income for the receiving spouse or as expense for the paying spouse. The receiving spouse should be especially careful. Because alimony is a temporary payment, it is unwise to make long-term investments using the income received from alimony. Don't buy something that will take 10 years to pay off if your alimony is ordered for three years. Instead, make your plans during this time to learn the tools necessary to earn more money so you won't feel the pinch when the alimony ends.

Fitness After Divorce

2011-06-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

The next series of blog posts will focus on "Fitness After Divorce" -- and will address financial, emotional, physical and social fitness.

Signing the final papers of your divorce may seem like the end. Yes, your marriage has ended but you are beginning a new stage in your life. This stage needs some special attention, too. Just like going through a divorce took planning and a lot of physical and emotional care, your new life will take effort, too.

Preparing for your life as a single person will take some readjusting. During the years you were married, you probably had certain plans in place for your life and lifestyle. These plans now need to be rethought.

Handling Holidays After a Divorce

2011-05-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, I got my first sense of how holidays can be different for families after a divorce. My then-sister-in-law was having an affair and my parents invited our entire family over for a picnic on Memorial Day. My sister-in-law refused to attend, so my brother brought his kids and we had a great time without her.

Although my brother didn't know it at the time, it was the first holiday that would be different for him, his children, and our entire family.

One of the things that is difficult about a litigation divorce is the animosity it creates. When you're involved in an adversarial battle, things like holidays become a situation where both spouses want to "win." My sister-in-law, for example, is a Christmas junkie. She would buy thousands of dollars in Christmas presents each year (whether they could afford it or not). So that first Christmas after the divorce filing became a battleground. Even though she was broke, she spent more than a thousand dollars on gifts. My brother, financially drained from his own attorney fees and child support, couldn't afford to spend much on the kids. Combined with disagreements about how visitation would be handled for the holidays and invitations from his in-laws for him and the kids to spend New Year's with them (that was rescinded when my sister-in-law found out), it was just messy.

Collaborative divorce doesn't mean that there won't be disagreements about holidays (or how much is spent on the kids' gifts), but it means that you take a bigger picture approach. You have to be willing to give a little to get a little. And give up your idea of what a "perfect" holiday looks like.

On that Memorial Day in 2008, we got our first glimpse of what future holidays would look like. It didn't look like previous holidays, but we adapted. We survived. We thrived.

When you're considering what kind of relationship you want to have with your spouse after the divorce, remember that how the divorce unfolds will have a big impact on that outcome. If you go for the short-term win, you're going to lose in the long run. You're not just making decisions that affect today -- you're making decisions that will affect your future. Consider carefully.

Resources for Women in Divorce

2011-05-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

The e-book, "Divorce 101: A Women's Guide" is a useful resource for women contemplating -- or going thorough a divorce. Here is a look at the table of contents from the book:

I. Introduction

II. Preparing for Your Divorce

The Emotions of Divorce
Preparing Yourself for Divorce
Financial Precautions
Dirty Divorce Tricks
Separating Before Divorce
Domestic Abuse
Dating During Divorce

III. Getting Your Information Together

Documents to Have on Hand
Personal Information Worksheet
Income Worksheet
Calculating Your Living Expenses

IV. Getting Legal Help

Do You Need a Divorce Lawyer?
Finding the Right Lawyer
Lawyer Interview Worksheet
Retaining and Working With Your Lawyer
Changing Lawyers
Collaborative Divorce

V. Understanding the Legal Aspects of Divorce

The Divorce Process
Separation and Residency Requirements
Grounds for Divorce
Contested, Uncontested, And Default Divorce
Temporary Rules/Interim Orders
Bifurcated Divorce
Military Divorce
The Discovery Process
What Is Decided in A Divorce Settlement?
Negotiating You Divorce Settlement
Using Mediation
Arbitration
The Divorce Trial

VI. Splitting the Assets and Debts

Marital vs. Separate Property
Community Property vs. Equitable Distribution
The Family Home
Pensions and Retirement Accounts
Business Assets and Professional Degrees
Asset Worksheets
Debt Worksheets
Dividing Assets and Debts
Bankruptcy and Divorce

VII. Making Decisions About the Children

Deciding Child Custody
Types of Custody
The "Best Interests of The Child"
Child Custody Mediation
Preparing for a Custody Battle
Child Custody Trial
Other Custody Issues
Custody Modification
Visitation Overview
Visitation Schedule
Parenting Plans

VIII. Financial Support

Child Support
Child Support Enforcement
Alimony
Alimony Payments & Modification

IX. Wrapping Things Up

Changing Your Name
Tax Consequences of Divorce
Divorce Agreement Checklist
Finalizing Your Divorce
Modification and Enforcement
After the Divorce

X. Conclusion

XI. Recommended Resources

You'll also receive these bonuses with the purchase of the book:

Bonus #1 -- The Smart Woman's Guide to Divorce

Get up to speed fast with these straight-forward answers to the questions I frequently get asked about divorce. This guide covers pre-divorce concerns, getting legal help, understanding how divorce works, deciding how financial issues should be handled, making decisions about the children, and taking care of everything after divorce.

Bonus #2 -- The Ultimate Self-Help Divorce Kit
Many women don't even know where to begin to looking for specific information that applies to their own situation. So I've done all the work for you. This one-stop resource guide will give you what you need to know about divorce in your state and help you locate any services you may need. With this handy reference guide, you'll be able to:
Access state-specific divorce forms
Understand the relevant divorce laws in your state
Discover what to do if you can't afford to hire a lawyer
Gain access to child support calculators for your state
Get help if you're in an abusive relationship
Locate divorce support groups to help you cope with everything

Bonus #3 -- Surviving The Nightmare of Divorce
Divorce is one of the most painful and disruptive events a woman can experience. Whether you initiated the divorce or feel victimized by it, you will probably undergo a wide range of emotions when your marriage ends. This book will help you work through those emotions so you can look to the future with hope instead of behind you with resentment.

Bonus #4 -- Adjusting To Post-Divorce Life
This is an in-depth interview I did with Life Coach Gloria Swardenski, discussing the various emotions that come up after divorce and how to move forward with your life. Listen in as we discuss tips and strategies you can use immediately to improve your mood and overcome the obstacles that may be holding your back.

Parenting With Your Ex-Spouse: Part II

2011-05-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Your divorce has made you legally two separate people. However, in one aspect you are still as one _ parents. Because of this uniting element in your lives, you have to decide to accept the fact and be the grownups in the family. Will it be hard to see your spouse again after the divorce? Probably. Can you handle it? You'd better be able to! For the sake of your children, you will come together and discuss issues that affect you, your ex-spouse, and the lives of your children. This divorce and the outfall from it will affect your children for the rest of their lives. Start right by being adults and you'll be off to a proper start.

Parenting With Your Ex-Spouse: Part I

2011-05-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

After the divorce proceedings have started, tempers may flare. Sitting across the lawyer's table and your kitchen table from your soon-to-be ex-spouse may be uncomfortable. When you have children, there will be times when planning childcare specifics, the where-when-how's of logistics and events, will be necessary.

Yes, no matter what you and your ex-spouse feel about each other, you will most likely need to deal together on issues concerning your children. Your marriage and divorce may have been contentious, even abusive. If so, this will make facing your ex-spouse very difficult.

Most courts will rule for leniency in child custody and visitation, quite often with joint physical custody and legal custody, for the sake of the best interest of the child. This ruling means you will be spending time with your ex-spouse, no matter how you feel about each other. The court believes the child needs both parents, but that involves both parents getting along well enough to deal with the issues of child-rearing on a grownup level.

Unfortunately, children can become unwitting pawns in the divorce process. Whether you know it or not, when you can't deal with your emotions concerning your spouse, you may be forcing your children to take sides. You may even be putting your child at risk.

Here are some issues you will need to examine in communicating with your ex-spouse and the children:

Negative Remarks About Your Spouse

Kids pick up on negativity even when not stated pointblank. These remarks, no matter how offhanded, can cloud how kids feel about their mom or dad. Kids can feel like they are choosing sides if they show love to the 'bad' parent. That is not what you want for your kids or for the relationship they will have with their other parent for the rest of their life.

Your children should be able to love both parents equally. Just as you love your children unconditionally, let your children do the same with you. Work out any rancor toward your ex-spouse with your counselor and leave your negative feelings there and away from your children. There are two sides to every story and your children do not need to hear either. Make a pact with your ex-spouse to leave your personal problems and stories out of the lives of your children.

Talking Through The kids

You are both adults. Even after an uncomfortable and oftentimes angry divorce, you still have to remember that you are in this together. You may not want to talk to each other ever again, but the fact that you have children makes this impossible. So, make up your mind to approach all child-rearing issues in an adult fashion; by talking as adults with each other.

Trouble starts when parents want to avoid each other and start passing messages back and forth through the children. Relaying messages through young children can cause confusion and put terrible stress on the child.

You've heard the expression "Don't shoot the messenger?" This is never more true than when a young child is standing in front of a parent, relaying an unpleasant message to an angry parent. Even simple messages about things like school events can get ugly fast when the message goes astray or is misunderstood. And, above all, don't ask your kids to spy on the other parent for you. Getting information about your spouse's doings through your children is a guaranteed way to make both households scary and uncertain for your children.

Discipline

You are both the parents, even after divorce. There will be times when a child needs to be disciplined. No matter what your problems were during your marriage, you must present a united front when it comes to delicate matters of discipline. It may be tempting to be the 'good' parent and avoid your child's wrath when discipline is called for, especially if you were called the 'bad' parent somewhere along the line.

Children of divorce very often learn to play one parent against the other, perhaps at first as a coping mechanism. This maneuvering to escape discipline can backfire on not only the parents, but the child. There are many cases in juvenile court that involve children who were not disciplined due to arguing parents. No one suffers more from lack of discipline than a child of divorced parents. Stand with your ex-spouse on issues of discipline and carry through.

Withholding Visitation

Visitation with the out-of-house parent is very important to a child. These visits are the only way a child can maintain a relationship with both parents. Parents make the mistake of denying visitation rights for many reasons such as disagreements with household issues, or even dating issues. If visitation is denied because you're angry with something about your spouse, take that up with your ex-spouse. Again, visitation is a court ordered matter and you want to abide by the law, as well as be understanding of your child's desire to spend time with the other parent.

If visitation is being withheld because of late or missing child support payments, you'll want to remember that the child support payment issue can become particularly heated and you want to be on the right side of the law if it comes to a full boil. Visitation and child support are separate issues in the divorce decree. You have the right to bring up the child support payment issue with your spouse and the court, but leave it out of your child's visits with their parent.

Withholding Child Support

The law is very clear on this. If the court orders child support payments, the paying spouse must pay, even when that spouse doesn't agree with something the other parent is doing. To withhold payments is not only illegal, but can be detrimental to the child's relationship with that parent. Also, withholding child support payments can alienate your ex-spouse and children, and can lead to future confrontations. When kids learn that their parent is not sending the money meant to provide them with the things they need, like clothes, food, and shelter, that child will believe first and foremost that their parent doesn't care about them. These beliefs can last a lifetime.

If you are not receiving your child support payments, you can write the judge to request a petition be filed. Non-payment of child support is contempt of court. Before doing that, however, you should talk to your ex-spouse and see if there is a problem. If you are the parent ordered to pay child support and find that you are having difficulty paying, don't just stop paying. You can write to the judge or family commissioner and request the child support ruling be reexamined. Be prepared to prove with documentation that you cannot pay the child support amount ordered in the previous ruling. Let your ex-spouse know what you are doing so there are no surprises and no recriminations that will upset your children.

Beginning the Healing Process After Divorce

2011-05-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

It won't be today or tomorrow, but you will return to a normal life. Often, the healing process begins after the final papers are signed. During the process, too much is going on. Each day is like shifting sand and getting through the day is hard enough without the additional stress of delving deeply into your feelings. When the divorce is granted and your routine is once again mapped out, you will find yourself in a position to quiet down for a few moments and give yourself time to think, and feel. During those times of self-discovery, you will find it helpful to talk to supportive people. Here are a few ideas for after-divorce care:

Divorce Support Group

This can be at your church, hospital, or local community center. Divorce groups are there to share feelings, discuss resources, and help you move toward a future after this devastating process. These groups are often run by trained facilitators but the participants are given a lot of latitude and basically run the show. This may be to your liking if you need to hear that you are not alone in your experience and if you learn best by shared stories. This may not be to your liking if you desire anonymity as the group members may know you, and vice versa. These support groups are often free of charge and can have the bonus of meeting new people, which will help you get through some of the grieving.

Here are some resources for divorce groups in Nebraska.

Professional Counseling

You may find a divorce counselor through your doctor, pastor, or a friend. Be sure when you meet with your counselor that he or she fits your personality. You will feel more comfortable sharing your feelings with them. A counselor may come highly recommended, but if your personalities don't click, you won't be moving through the stages of grief as you should. Professional counseling is not free and can actually be quite costly. Some insurance policies may cover a portion of the charges. Shop around for prices as there are several levels of professional counseling degrees charging at different rates.

You can use Psychology Today's "Therapy Directory" to find a therapist in Nebraska.

Trusted Friend or Family Member

You will need the support of your family and friends as you go through your day-to-day routine. There will be occasions where you'll be getting together, now without your spouse. Someone within those groups who you can trust is an asset in several ways. You'll have someone who knows how you feel when things happen; someone who can help you handle situations that are sensitive. One thing to remember is not to wear out their ears. Your friends and family will eventually tire of the tears and complaints. Even though a trusted friend or family member can help you through your difficult times, be aware that their patience is limited. Use the time you have with them to find solutions to real problems, after you've shed a tear or two, to keep things in balance.

Many people who have gone through a divorce say that the stress they experienced during the divorce was more devastating than the stress they felt during their marriage. That's why it's so important to invest fully in healing after the divorce. Once you've made that decision, find the resources you need to heal and make use of everything at your disposal. The quicker you get to work, the quicker you regain firm footing once again. Yes, divorce is the end of your marriage, but it is not the end of your life.

Approach the healing process in the right way and you'll come out of it with a clearer understanding of yourself, along with a fresh new start.

Divorce and Grief

2011-05-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

Even when divorce is a mutual decision you make with your spouse, it can feel like a death has occurred. Some even say divorce is a death without sympathy cards or casseroles. In a way it is. Your marriage has died and left you two separate people instead of one. When you think of the joy of your wedding day, you can understand why the despair of the divorce can feel like something has died.

Because divorce is similar to suffering a death, the five stages of grief apply. Here they are with a few common conceptions relevant to being divorced:

Denial: This can't be happening, not to me. Nothing was wrong with our marriage. I'll go through the motions but nothing has changed really.

Anger: After all these years, he/she does this to me. How can this happen to me? No one else ever had to suffer like this. It's not fair. Look at all those happy couples; they make me sick. Why didn't my spouse try harder?

Bargaining: I'll give anything to make this go away. I'll smile and act happy so this divorce won't get me down. I'll surround myself with people so I don't have to feel divorced. I'll go out on dates and meet someone to prove I'm a worthy person. I'll change everything about myself so I don't have to give up my marriage.

Depression: Why bother at all. The world is full of couples and I don't belong anymore. I'd rather stay home. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. My life will never be good again. No one will want me now. I'm not worthy of a good relationship.

Acceptance: My marriage is over because it wasn't a good marriage. My spouse and I are better apart than we were together. It's over so I might as well start preparing for the rest of my life.

Along with these well-known stages of grief outlined by the groundbreaking author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, many therapists have reported some specific questions divorced people ask over and over again. These questions come out of the following emotions:

Confusion: What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he/she love me anymore? When did things start going wrong? Why didn't I see this coming?

Fear: How will I survive now? Who will take care of me? Will he/she take everything? Will the kids blame me? Will I have to explain things to anyone? Will everyone blame me?

Defeat: Why couldn't I make it work? Why am I such a failure? Why can't I make anyone love me?

These are universal emotions and questions. If the divorce was the idea of one partner who wanted out, these feelings may be even stronger and more confused. Though you consent to divorce, you feel as if you've been made a fool of or dragged into it.

It is hard to handle the fact that the marriage is over, that love is gone. There is no way around these feelings. You will have to go through them whether you want to or not. There's no way to get through the feelings but to go right through the middle of them. The good news is, with a little self-awareness, these hurtful feelings will eventually pass.

Alimony

2011-05-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

The word "Alimony" may evoke images of Hollywood, but alimony is designed for everyday people, too. Divorcing spouses may not be on even ground when it comes to their income or the ability to make an income. The court will take into account several items before deciding on alimony. This will include each spouses ability to support themselves, any special needs, the length of the marriage, outstanding debts, and the standard of living for each spouse. The courts want to equitably distribute income between spouses when it affects quality of life.

The order to pay alimony is meant to help the spouse who is less likely to earn enough to get back on their feet. Most states allow for a reasonable time for alimony, anywhere from a few months to a few years. The court also may take into consideration cases where one spouse supported the other when, for instance, in medical school. Alimony is usually not considered a lifetime commitment. However, in instances such as extreme inequitable income due to age, disability, or other unusual circumstances, one spouse may require support for the rest of their life. Most alimony orders can be revisited as circumstances change. Most typically alimony ends when the receiving party remarries.

When a divorce is imminent, be aware that you may have some very painful issues to face; way beyond the division of property and assets. Along with your child's welfare, the courts will make sure that both parents can support themselves, and if not, that they are provided for. These topics often bring out the worst in people during a divorce. Try to resolve as many of these difficult issues before you get into the courtroom. When that's not possible, call in the professionals and resign yourself to the fact that you are legally bound to take care of your family, even after divorce.

Alimony was awarded in only about 10% (616 of 6,084) of divorces in Nebraska in 2009.

Collaborative Divorce: An Attorney's View

2011-05-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

I came across this post from a collaborative divorce attorney: "Why I absolutely love Collaborative Divorce" and found it very interesting.

The reasons that Mr. Weber cites in his blog post are some of the same reasons I've heard from divorce attorneys who are Nebraska Collaborative Professionals. In addition to the damage it does to the spouses and children, adversarial divorce can be difficult for the divorce attorney too. While there is the thrill of "victory" when one spouse prevails, on the other side of that equation is a divorce attorney whose client "lost" in the gamble of what the presiding judge will decide on issues in contention.

Mr. Weber also cites another potential weakness of mediation as an alternative method of dispute resolution in settling a divorce:
The limitations of mediation, however, are that the parties don’t often have the support of advising attorneys in the room. As a neutral mediator, I am unable to advise what is in a party’s best interests. I can’t protect the interests of my clients. I always recommend that clients seek independent legal advice, but it is hard sometimes, if the attorney is not in the room.

An interesting point. Many mediators are not attorneys, so they may not feel this conflict. But the advantage of collaborative divorce is that you're attempting to reach a settlement together (instead of letting the judge decide the outcome), but with the guidance of an attorney who will keep your best interests in mind.

In-House Separation During Divorce

2011-05-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things to handle during a divorce is the physical separation. But sometimes you must pursue a divorce without the ability to physically separate initially. Whether for financial reasons or "for the kids," sometimes you will find yourself divorcing, but still living together.

Author Linda Eleanor Cole addresses this topic in her e-book, "Living Together In Divorce," and on her website of the same name, www.livingtogetherindivorce.com.

The ebook covers the following areas:
How To Set Up Your Home & Living Arrangements
How To Prepare Your Children For Divorce
How To Deal With Family, Friends & Outsiders
How To Set Up Boundaries & Why It Is So Important
How To Set Up Finances & Pay Off Debt
How To Spend Quality Time With Children
How To Go From Husband & Wife To Roommates
And Much, Much More.....
The cost of the e-book is $27 and it's delivered immediately via electronic download.

If you are contemplating divorce, most attorneys will advise you not to leave the family home. Doing so could be considered "abandonment." But living with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse can be difficult. What if he or she starts dating while you're still living together? How do you handle the finances while you're "separated"? What will the neighbors think?

During difficult economic times, there are also numerous couples who finalize the divorce but continue to live together. This is very common in situations where the house is still for sale, and the spouses can't afford to find another place to live until the house sells. Another challenge is the cost of the divorce itself -- litigated divorces cost, on average, $15,000. Can you afford that? (Collaborative divorce can be less expensive than litigated divorce.)

You can find more tips on Cole's blog, Separated but Living Together. Or purchase her e-book, "Living Together in Divorce."

Supporting Your Family After the Divorce -- Part II

2011-05-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

Let's look at some of the basics of the issues of child custody and support issues.

Child Custody

The first thing to realize is that deciding on the custody of a child can be an emotional tug-of-war. The courts have both physical and legal custody arrangements to consider. Physical and legal custody may be awarded jointly or solely. Sole physical custody may be granted to one parent for the simple reason of logistics. However, even when sole physical custody is awarded to one parent, the other parent may be granted liberal visitation rights. The physical custody of a child does not necessarily affect the legal custody.

Depending on the situation, the court may award physical or legal custody either jointly or solely in any combination that the situation calls for. These custody arrangements may also stipulate for holidays and school vacations that the situation calls for. These custody arrangements may also stipulate for holidays and school vacations.

If divorcing parents can't come to a mutual decision that is in the best interest of the children, the court has the right to intervene on the child's behalf. In Nebraska, parents are required to mediate their parenting plans -- and a parenting plan must be filed with the court before the divorce can be finalized.

A family court commissioner may be given temporary legal custody in order to make the decision when parents can't come to terms with child care, custody, and support issues. The interest of the children will come first before any parental requests. In many states, older children may be asked who they want to live with and that will be taken into consideration. Home studies are not uncommon when child custody is being disputed. It is a rare case in today's society for a ruling to be made for sole custody both physically and legally. This situation would only be seen in cases where the court has reason to believe a child's welfare is in danger.

Child Support

This is one of the most disputed parts of a divorce where children are involved. The financial support of the child must be determined and often becomes very distasteful to at least one parent. Most states have very specific laws about what level of support is required. Depending on the state the divorce is granted, child support will be based on several things; the needs of the child, the income of one or both parents, and standard of living for the child. Some states have a percentage range for each child while other states have a flat dollar amount per child. In addition, parents can reach agreements on their own regarding certain items beyond child support, such as gifts and other non-essentials.

What parents are not allowed to do is decide not to pay child support. Child support orders are law and if the stipulated party decides not to pay, they are in contempt of court and can be jailed. If non-payment occurs, wages can be garnished and tax returns can be seized. In order to avoid paying child support, some non-custodial parents have tried to petition the court to give up any claim to their child. This is a maneuver that gets very little if any sympathy from the courts and does, in fact, cause most judges a great deal of ire. If you want to incur the wrath of a judge during custody hearings, try giving up your legal responsibilities to your child. The financial support of the child is the responsibility of both parents and the courts will see to it that the children of divorced parents are provided for, whether you like it or not.

Supporting Your Family After the Divorce - Part I

2011-05-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

When parents decide to divorce, there is so much more to consider than the equitable division of property and assets. Although splitting bank accounts and deciding who's going to live where are major considerations, there are some emotionally charged discussions that will inevitably happen.

Of course, we're talking about kids and support. When it comes to these issues, the fur really can begin to fly. How can you and your spouse keep your heads when it comes to your children, their support, and alimony? You can diffuse the situation somewhat by learning the legalities. This can often stop the constant debating and arguing. Once you know what the law says in your state, your opinion won't matter much.

Start by getting the facts about the legal ramifications for child custody and support. Discuss in detail what you expect from your spouse regarding these delicate matters. Do so in private if you and your spouse are amiable. If not, sit down with your lawyer or a representative of the family courts to iron out your differences.

However, child support guidelines are just that -- a guideline. You and your spouse can agree to handle support issues outside of the state guidelines.

For example, you can plan for your child's college education in a collaborative agreement, but in traditional litigation, judges don’t have the power to provide for support of children after age 19 in Nebraska. If there is an issue of extraordinary expenses (like sending Johnny to basketball camp), this can be addressed in a collaborative agreement. Sharing joint legal custody requires both parents to agree on activities that parents will participate in, particularly if they impinge on the non-residential parents’ time, but that doesn't address the "who will pay" issue. For example, you can write into parenting plan that any camps or child care provided during the summer will be shared at the parent’s income ratios.

You are preparing to divide your family life down the middle. Some of these divisions are easier than others. Separating the custody of your children, their support, and the support of each other can be a touchy subject.

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

2011-05-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

The decision to divorce may be based on many things. Certainly, one of those things is your feelings for your spouse, but the feelings of your children are going to be a factor as well.

Sometimes, when you are fighting with your spouse, you become focused on your feelings and your feelings only. You try to keep the kids protected by smiling and keeping the routine the same. But kids are smart and sensitive to changes in mood. They can sense that something has changed in their house.

No matter what a child's age, how you handle the decision to divorce will affect their lives.

Let's take a look at a few ways you can attempt to move more smoothly through the very difficult emotions and issues that are bound to arise from a divorce:

Don't Involve the Kids in Your Arguments

When you are in the middle of an argument with your spouse, keep it to yourselves. Children caught up in their parents' disagreements often feel responsible and believe they are the reason for the problem and, ultimately, the divorce. Take a minute to calm down and regroup. Discuss your problems in private, out of earshot of the kids. Table any discussion of divorce until you can be alone. When disagreements involve day-to-day childcare and household routines, agree to disagree and come up with a resolution in private.

Talk To Your Kids Together

Show your kids a united front so they know that mommy and daddy love them equally. Use age appropriate language. If your children are teenagers, tell it to them straight. They don't need to hear the details of the divorce, but give them the basic facts, and don't get into any mudslinging. For younger kids, you can tell them that mommy and daddy are not going to be living in the same house anymore but that each home will be their home, too.

Reassure Your Kids That They Did Not Cause the Divorce

One of the first things that come to a child's mind is that they did something to cause the divorce. Children have an incredible sense that they are the center of a marriage and believe things they do or say can cause a marriage to crumble. Confirm with them that your decision has nothing to do with them or their behavior, and that your feelings for them have not changed. Let your children know in no uncertain terms that they did not cause the divorce and they can do nothing to fix things either. This takes a lot of pressure off your kids in many ways.

Involve Your Kids in the New Arrangements

If you think divorce has brought a whirlwind into your life, think about your children. They may feel like they have been sucked up by a tornado with no control over where they might land. Help them to come to terms with the decision by involving them in the changes that are to come. If you are the spouse that is moving out, take them apartment hunting so they can see that you are planning room for them in your home. If new schools are an issue, be sure to visit the schools and meet the teachers and principal.

Seek Counseling for Your Kids

Don't go it alone or think you can answer all the questions your kids ask. You and your spouse may have gone through marriage counseling and perhaps feel it didn't work because you are still getting a divorce. However, when it comes to your children, you are looking at long-term care. After all, you are responsible for your child's emotional as well as physical health. Consider the fact that your children may not be sharing all their feelings with you, even when asked. Many children have deep-seated feelings that are best resolved with a professional third party. There are too many cases of divorced parents believing their children are "fine" only to discover years later that they were just burying hurt that surfaced later in painful acting-out. Your kids are worth this investment.

Children are resilient, but they need your help. Let your kids know that they will always be taken care of and that you both love them equally. Don't involve them in your daily squabbles, but do involve them in your daily decisions. In other words, be the adults and surround your kids with love and security.

In a collaborative divorce, the role of the child specialist is to assist the children with coping with and preparing for the divorce. The cooperation of both parents in working with the child specialist will ensure that the children's needs are considered during this difficult process.

Divorce and Property Division: Part II

2011-05-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

The property division legalities set out in Part I of this blog post are only what the courts will impose. You own personal division of property and assets will also be very important. There is much to be gained by discussing, planning, and executing the division of marital property with your spouse before getting to the courtroom. Even when the petition to divorce has been filed, if both parties agree to the division of property, you can save yourself a lot of stress and money. Let's look at a few items you may want to discuss before you sit down with your lawyer:

Close and Divide Joint Bank Accounts

Make the decision with your spouse to divide these accounts. Open an account in each of your names and separate the cash. Do not try to be sneaky about your joint bank accounts. No, you don't want to clean them out, leaving your spouse unaware. This is a nasty game that will only make things tough later on. Hiding assets is illegal and will only hurt in the end.

Open a Separate Credit Account

If you have always used your spouse's credit, now is the time to open your own. One credit card can help you establish yourself for the future. Start right at the bank where you now have your individual checking and savings account.

Be sure Both Names are on Joint Properties

This includes the house, cars, and other valuable properties. With both names on the title or deed, you have a legal claim to it. Many couples don't think about this and when it comes time to divorce, they may have difficulty proving their ownership.

Other Pre-Marriage Assets

If you inherited money, property, or won a settlement before you were married, be sure to discuss this with your spouse. Some states may consider these assets jointly owned, while other states do not. However, making an agreement about these assets before you get into the courtroom will save you time and money. Be sure to have any paperwork proving ownership ready, as well as signed agreements and clear paper-trails for the money involved.

Get All Financial Documentation Together

Some funds require legal distribution. This may include a 401(k), retirement fund, mutual funds, and other investments. Be sure to talk to your employer or agent about changes to be made to insurance policies, coverage, and beneficiaries. Have all the paperwork ready when the time comes to present it to your attorney. Again, if you try to hide assets that you are legally bound to divide with your spouse, you will only suffer later. Keep the handling of these assets and insurances on the up-and-up to avoid trouble.

Divorce makes people do crazy things where money is concerned. The division of money and assets can go horribly wrong very quickly if you're not prepared. If you have not made an amicable division of property, something as simple as a $100 rug can end up costing you $1,000 when your lawyer decides who gets it. That's reason enough to play fair and reach decisions together. The more you understand about the legalities, and the more you handle yourselves, the better off you will be before, during, and after the divorce.

Divorce and Property Division: Part I

2011-05-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Once the decision has been made to divorce and the children have been told, it will be time to start the legal procedure. Because laws vary widely from state to state, we can't give any specifics about an individual case. What we can do is give an overview of some of the legalities and procedures you might expect.

All cases are different. You and your spouse may have spent time discussing divorce, reached the decision together, and handled all the personal, family, and financial matters together before filing the petition for divorce. Of course, that is not always the case. Sometimes one spouse files for divorce without the other spouse's knowledge. This may not be ideal, but it happens. In either case, learning your legal rights and responsibilities will keep the process on track.

Whether you have an opportunity to discuss the legalities with your spouse before filing the petition, or you receive the petition without warning, be sure to look into all the legal rights of both parties. Know the laws of your state when it comes to marital property.

Let's take a look at a few basics to consider:

Equitable Property

Many states provide for the division of marital assets in a rather flexible manner. Property and assets acquired during the marriage are not automatically divided equally. Instead, the courts will take into account a variety of issues, including but not limited to; length of marriage, economic stability of either spouse, age and health, earning power, taxes, debts, and other burdens.

Community Property

Some states consider all assets acquired during a marriage as property of the marriage and are, therefore, divided equally between the spouses. However, this broad interpretation has its exceptions. Assets acquired by either spouse before the marriage may not be considered community property. There are also states that allow for other assets to be excluded from the marital assets. These may include gifts given, even if given by the other spouse, as well as inheritances granted one spouse. Be aware that along with the 50/50 division of assets comes the 50/50 division of debt.

These property division legalities are only what the courts will impose. Your own personal division of property and assets will also be very important. There is much to be gained by discussing, planning, and executing the division of marital property with your spouse before getting to the courtroom. Even when the petition to divorce has been filed, if both parties agree to the division of property, you can save yourself a lot of stress and money.

Things to Think About When Choosing a Divorce Lawyer

2011-05-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

There are considerations to be made in the early stages when you choose a divorce lawyer. The more information you get right from the beginning, the more successful the results will be. Let's start with a review of the basics:

Recommendations

Talk to friends or family who have experience with a divorce lawyer. If you have a family member or close friend who is a lawyer, they normally will not make a good lawyer for your case. Personal opinion can cloud pragmatic judgment. If you've been seeing a counselor, they may have resources to recommend a divorce attorney for you. In order to get a feeling for the personal style of a lawyer, you can begin even before your first consultation by watching them in the courtroom. Check the court docket and choose a divorce hearing to sit in on. It may seem a little odd to sit in on such a personal hearing, but you will get a quick look at the personality of a lawyer and that will be worth your time and trouble.

Even when choosing a collaborative divorce attorney, it is important to get an idea of how the attorney handles himself/herself. Does he or she seem organized? Does he or she communicate well? How well does he or she work with the opposing counsel? With the judge?

Experience

You will want a divorce lawyer who knows how to handle divorce proceedings. Look at their track record. Have they won proper settlements for their clients? Are they well versed in the divorce laws of your state? A divorce lawyer that specializes in family law or marital law must pass strict requirements in many states. This may make you more comfortable with your choice. Any good divorce lawyer will be happy to show you their past achievements. Ask hard questions about the outcome of divorce cases they've handled. If a collaborative divorce lawyer seems hesitant to talk to you about their cases, it's time to interview another divorce lawyer.

If you're considering a collaborative divorce, ask about other collaborative divorce cases the divorce attorney has handled -- in particular, did any of them "fall apart"?

Cost

Good divorce lawyers come in all price ranges. Most good divorce lawyers offer a free first interview or free divorce consultation. Be sure to get a fee agreement in writing so there are no surprises. A down-payment, or retainer, is required by most divorce lawyers. Many divorce lawyers will work out a payment plan for the balance of their services. Collaborative divorce lawyers normally charge an hourly rate, broken down into minimum charges. This means that if you stop in to chat with your divorce lawyer for five minutes, you'll be charged for fifteen or thirty minutes. Be sure to check all the billing fine print. Divorce lawyers -- even collaborative divorce attorneys -- make their living on billable hours, so the less often you're in their office, the better for your budget. A good divorce lawyer will tell you to do as much of the fact gathering and leg work outside the office to save you money. Be sure to explore cut-rate or do-it-yourself divorces with great caution. That is not to say that a good divorce lawyer can't also be an inexpensive divorce lawyer, but you have to be aware of the quality of service before you get in too deep.

Availability

Of course you don't want to be stopping in to see your collaborative divorce lawyer every time you get a whim, but you do want your divorce lawyer available to you when needed. Ask how often your divorce lawyer is in the office for appointments. If a divorce lawyer is always in court, it's going to get frustrating for you. The firm may maintain several assistants, legal secretaries, and paralegals to do the legwork for the divorce lawyers, which will be very helpful to you at times. Ask about emailing and faxing documents or a courier service if necessary for transporting documents for signature. And, even in this age of technology, there will be times when your actual signature is needed on an original document. Is the lawyer's office convenient to you? As odd as it seems, you may also want to choose a divorce lawyer who has an office close to the courthouse. Each document filing and each appearance in a divorce proceeding adds up in billable hours for the divorce lawyer. Traveling an hour from the office to the courthouse will be tacked onto your bill.

Before you worry about the specific details of your divorce, you have to explore basic legal support. Choosing a divorce lawyer can be a very confusing process at first. But, as you gather information the decision should become easier. You'll recognize a good divorce lawyer when you spend time getting to know him or her. Take your time and choose wisely.

Choosing a Divorce Lawyer

2011-05-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

It is usually in the best interest of both parties to have legal representation when a marriage dissolves. However, one lawyer alone can do all the legal paperwork filing. It's a personal decision. Some people do most of the legal paperwork themselves, but have an attorney review everything. No matter what you decide, there are a few basics to consider when hiring an attorney.

Most people are not familiar with the legal steps in the divorce process, so a lawyer is very helpful when it comes time to file the papers. A lawyer can help you get it right from start-to-finish avoiding any costly and emotional mistakes along the way. Lawyers can suggest what you should do in any given situation during the divorce, but then it is up to you to make the final decision about how to handle your divorce. So, it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with the divorce proceedings to some degree.

It's at this point that you may consider a collaborative divorce -- so looking for a lawyer with experience in collaborative practice is important. You can find an attorney who is trained in collaborative divorce by finding a Nebraska Collaborative Professional.

Going Public With Your Decision to Divorce

2011-05-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

Filing for divorce is not something you do in a vacuum. This is not a situation you can keep to yourself for very long, nor should you want to. Eventually you will have to confide in your family and friends, not only because they'll find out anyway, but to get their support.

So, when should you go public? Telling others too soon about an impending divorce can be a mistake. Everyone has an opinion and will want to share it with you and your spouse. You have already made the decision and it wasn't an easy one. Listening to opinions now just opens up those fresh wounds again. This can make the divorce proceedings very hostile as sides are taken.

Let's take a look at a few ways to help make breaking the news a bit less painful:

Agree with Your Spouse About The Timing

Before anything is said, be sure to reach an agreement on when to let everyone else know. Before you go public with the news of your divorce, make sure that you both are comfortable with the timing. It's better to discuss all your concerns about breaking the news beforehand than risk unintentionally causing harm somehow. There may be delicate issues to consider before breaking the news to anyone.

Tell Your Children First

It won't soften the blow any if you wait to tell your kids. And you won't be doing them any favors by postponing the inevitable if they hear the news from someone else. You'll want to sit down and, depending on the age of the children, give your kids the essential information. Be brief and honest about your decision, without getting into details of your marriage. Kids basically want to know that they'll be okay, they'll have a home, and that their lives will not change too much. Kids are generally not interested in the stories behind the marital breakup. Nasty tales of anger and hurt between spouses should be saved for the therapist couch. Reassure your children that their needs will be met. Also, do not ask or expect your children to keep the divorce a secret. The stress for such a thing can be very damaging to a child.

Start Divorce Proceedings

Filing the initial divorce papers does little more than put a freeze on your marriage. However, once the decision is made, the children are told, and you agree on when you'll tell the rest of the family and your friends, this paper solidifies the decision you've made. In some cases, the sheer weight of the decision, once it's made, is lifted. Other people's opinions will come pouring in once they're told, but with the papers filed, you and your spouse will not have to go through that uncertainty again. You have already done all that. You have gone through the painful, and thoughtful decision to file for divorce. You do not want to discuss the decision, or debate it, with anyone.

You've told the children, you've discussed the timing with your spouse, and you've filed the papers. Now it is time to tell your family, friends, and anyone else who needs to know.

Here are a couple of suggestions for arranging to tell the news, as well as a few reminders of people who should know:

Tell Your Family

This may be just a few at a time, or everyone at once. But, whatever you do, don't tell your family at a festive gathering like a holiday. Pick a time and place that is comfortable for you and your family. If at all possible, go to your families together. If one spouse is present only, it doesn't show a united front and may appear that both parties are not sure about the divorce. Also, with both spouses together, it eliminates the inevitable picking sides and bashing the other spouse. If circumstances surrounding the divorce don't allow for this, then make sure to demonstrate that discussing the other spouse's faults are off limits. Also, in this day and age of technology, there is one word of warning; stay off of social networking sites. This news does not need to be broadcast willy-nilly for the world to see. Your family deserves a personal visit. They had a stake in your marriage, too.

Tell Your Friends

Friends are very often lost to divorce. If you take into consideration this delicate balance, you'll understand why it is important to talk to your friends together. You don't want your friends to feel like they have to choose sides, and they'll feel less likely to have to when you're together. Be open with your friends about your decision to divorce without going into sordid details surrounding the break up. Most friends already have enough information anyway. If you are comfortable with your decision to divorce, your friends are more likely to feel the same way. Just like telling your family, you'll want to do so in a casual gathering with both you and your spouse present. This eliminates the possibility of spouse-bashing and reinforces the united front; and the fact that you want to remain friends even after the divorce.

Tell Teachers, Doctors, Coaches, Pastors, etc.

Don't forget the delicate issue of your kids' school, daycare, or other connections. Depending on the age of the children, they may start talking about the divorce right after you tell them, so be prepared. Arrange face-to-face meetings immediately with teachers, pastors, and other adults in your child's life so they can be prepared for changes in your child's behavior. Of course, there may be other considerations such as transportation, separate living arrangements, and other eventualities that need to be discussed.

You will eventually have to let the outside world in on your decision to divorce. When and how you choose to break the news can make a big difference in the outcome. Put as much time and thought into breaking the news as you did in the decision to get a divorce in the first place. This is a part of the process and needs to be given ample attention and time for the sake of everyone involved.

Before You Meet with a Lawyer

2011-05-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

Are there things to do before you consult with a lawyer? Yes, there are steps you can take between thinking about a divorce and actually filing papers. Just take a look at a few simple and logical steps to take before you make your final decision:

Take Time Away

It's amazing what a little time away can do to help clear the head. You can't make any really important decision without first having time by yourself to examine the problem and to discover or reconnect with what's really important in your life. In the thick of it, all you want is out, but that feeling may change. Time away from the stress of the situation may give you a new perspective. Plan a simple retreat, alone. Drop the kids off at grandma's house and go somewhere quiet. Take vacation time or sick time from your job if you have to; your decision is that important. Your church may even have retreats you can sign up for. Whatever it takes, get away by yourself to defuse the situation before you make such a difficult decision as filing for divorce. It's also important to remember that time away from stress also includes times away from well-meaning friends and family who may be trying to influence your decision.

Seek Professional Counseling

When talking about your problems with each other is getting you and your spouse nowhere, a counselor may be the answer. A professional counselor will listen to both sides and help you see where your marriage, and you, are stuck. Heated arguments or cold disinterest aren't necessarily the end of a marriage. You may have more common ground than you are aware of at the moment; it just may be buried under years of unresolved anger or resentment. Solving these very human problems often takes a third party to put the issues in perspective. A professional counselor is trained to hear what is being said without the passion getting in the way. If ordinary strife and stress is causing a marriage to crumble, seeking professional counseling may save you from taking that difficult drive to the lawyer's office. If you decide to file, you'll at least have a better understanding of your marriage, and yourself.

Have you been thinking about divorce? If so, your heart is probably ruling your head right now. Consider not just your feelings at the moment but what this decision means down the road. Approach the decision you make to divorce with your eyes wide open and examine every scenario before you move forward.

Divorce: The Long, Difficult Process

2011-05-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

You can't just say you want a divorce and a genie grants your wish. There is no easy way to dissolve a marriage, no matter what the cheap divorce advertisements say. A divorce is a long process that, in many states, begins with a legal filing that essentially puts the marital status on hold. At that point, the parties may physically split. If children are involved, temporary orders may be made for custody and financial support. Decisions will have to be made about things like bills, schedules, child care, etc. This process can wear on you physically and emotionally. The process has a cooling-off period built in because the courts want you to have time to reconsider your decision.

Divorce and Your Children

2011-05-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

When kids are involved, it means other lives are at stake in your decision.

Your divorce is not just "your divorce." You have to think of it as your entire family's divorce. Hard questions need to be asked such as who will care for the kids daily? Who will care for the kids when they're sick? Which parent will be the primary caregiver? Which parent will provide insurance? Where will holidays be spent? Besides these questions about day-to-day living, you'll have the really difficult questions to ask. How do the kids feel about the divorce? Do your children understand the concept of divorce? Are your kids angry about the divorce? Then, your kids will have their own questions to ask you -- hard questions that you will have to answer.

Financial Ramifications of Divorce

2011-05-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

Divorce is not just about getting away from the other person. Legally divorcing your spouse is also about splitting your assets. If one spouse has brought more in way of financial assets to the marriage than the other, this can be a problem for the other spouse. Divorces often can go smoothly, right up until the money issue comes up. Spouses can get nasty really fast when money is involved. Although the law in most state supports marital equity in all things, including income and assets, there are times when the reality of the situation doesn't pan out so well. Are you ready to fight for your right to the marital assets? And remember, along with marital assets comes marital liabilities. It's hard to make a case for one without the other, so do some serious thinking in this matter.

In her book “Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce” (Ninth Edition), Violet Woodhouse, CFP notes that "Legal reality does not equal financial reality."

Decisions about custody, alimony, child support, debts after separation, and evaluation of your assets may be in line with what the law prescribes, but they may not have any basis in what works in the real world.

The true cost of divorce is rarely discussed openly. The cost of a litigated divorce in Nebraska is approximately $22,000-$25,000. Even collaborative divorce can cost $8,000-$15,000. This is money that is taking away from your future ... and often, your kids.

In divorce, everything takes longer and costs more. When you are connected to another person financially, you’re at risk. At divorce, you and your spouse are essentially selling everything you own – either to each other, or to an outsider.

Woodhouse adds, "It’s not what you get that counts, it’s what you keep."

Approaching the Decision to Divorce

2011-05-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

For most people, divorce is not a decision to be made lightly. It may be something that has been thought about for months, years, or even decades. In other cases, you may be surprised when your spouse says to you, "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

With statistics as high as fifty percent of first-time marriages ending in divorce, we know many married people have crossed this unfortunate bridge. When making the decision to divorce, it is important to learn all you can about what to expect throughout the process.

In Tinsel Town, the word divorce is thrown around without meaning. The word may be easy to say out in La-La-Land, but the reality of it is something altogether different in the real world. The next few blog posts will cover some of the main considerations and decisions you will have to face through the divorce process.

Surviving a Divorce Takes Guts

2011-05-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

In last month's posts, I walked you through the basics of collaborative divorce. In this month's posts, I'm going to walk you through the process of preparing for the divorce.

The first, and most important thing you should know is that to survive divorce, you must have guts.

Whether the decision to divorce was yours, or whether you were blindsided, you're going to need strong intestinal fortitude (aka, GUTS) to make it through this process.

Surviving divorce takes guts, but it also takes a good support system. Start by preparing yourself with the information in this blog concerning all aspects of divorce, from the decision to the healing. In upcoming posts, you'll find a helpful checklist to guide you through the paperwork with your attorney. We'll also reference books by some of the best authors on the subject of divorce so you can delve even deeper into what you need to prepare yourself.

Remember: a divorce doesn't begin with filing the petition and end with the final decree. Divorce involves much more than paperwork; it involves hard work.

I hope you'll find the tools you need in this blog to successfully walk through your divorce and heal from the process.

Preparing For Divorce

2011-04-29T08:01:00.000-07:00

Divorce is a painful process. From the moment you utter the word right through to the final signature, there is nothing pleasant about it. Even when divorce is the most reasonable decision to make, it can still get complicated, depressing, and downright ugly.

Most people do not prepare themselves adequately for the turmoil a divorce can cause. Yes, you can prepare yourself by gathering all the necessary papers to legally get a divorce through the courts in an orderly fashion. But the paperwork is just one step. Even before you start gathering paperwork, you must go through some very difficult times. Simply making the decision to divorce takes thoughtful examination of everything involved in the physical and emotional well-being of your family.

Once you've approached the subject of divorce, you still have to prepare yourself and your family for the next steps. Can you jump right to getting your paperwork together? Not yet.

What about telling your children? What will they need from you? How will ending your marriage affect their lives? How will you support yourself? How will you face your family and friends? How will you recover from the divorce yourself? How will you face your ex-spouse again when dealing with the kids? What if you have to pay child support? Will you ever get to see your kids again? Can your spouse take everything and leave you penniless?

Surviving a divorce takes more than just dividing up the furniture and bank accounts; it takes preparing yourself and your children for what's to come. Collaborative divorce recognizes that you and your spouse will be connected by your children for many years to come.

Divorce in Nebraska Statistics

2011-04-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

From the Nebraska Health and Human Services Vital Stats Report:

More divorces were granted to people in their thirties than in any other decade of life, with 44.9% of Nebraska divorces in 2009 involving at least one person between 30 and 39 years of age. Almost one of every four (23.5%) Nebraska divorces in 2009 terminated marriages lasting three years or less, while almost half (48.6%) ended marriages lasting seven years or less. Just over half (51.5%) of the state's 2009 divorces involved couples with children, and of the 5,790 children affected by these divorces, nearly two-thirds (61.6%) were placed solely in custody of the wife. More than half (57.0%) of the state’s 2009 divorces involved a settlement of some type: child support was the most frequent type of settlement and was awarded in 2,436 divorces, followed by property (awarded in 1,622 divorces), medical reimbursement (awarded in 746 divorces), and alimony (awarded in 616 divorces).

What Are "Second Saturday" Sessions?

2011-04-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

"Second Saturday" sessions in collaborative divorce provides an invaluable service for those facing the complexities of separation and divorce. This workshop is designed to help individuals and couples take the next step — at any stage in the process of untying their relationship.

This workshop will give you the basic knowledge you need to choose the process that will allow you to maintain your respect, dignity, and privacy. You will discover the community resources that you need to get you through this difficult time.

“Second Saturday” provides information to help you explore your legal options, deal with guilt, anger, and grief, and move forward with your life. The session is conducted by a collaborative divorce team — attorney, mental health therapist, and/or financial professionals.

The program will cover:

Family Issues
--> Helping your family cope with the stress of divorce

--> How to talk with your children about divorce

--> What collaborative divorce offers your family's mental health

--> Communication guidelines with your spouse during and after divorce

Financial Issues
--> Preparing financially for a divorce

--> Dividing property

--> Tax consequences of divorce

Legal Issues
--> The divorce process and options (litigation, mediation, collaborative law)

--> A legal roadmap (what to expect)

--> Nebraska’s requirements for a parenting plan (if children are involved)

Is Collaborative Divorce Right For Your Family?

2011-04-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

There are many methods of conflict resolution that can be used to achieve a divorce that results in "success" for both parties. The more information you have, the better able you will be to choose the right option for your family. It is possible to obtain an equitable divorce with minimal involvement from the court system.

Approximately 1% of couples divorcing in Nebraska each year utilize the collaborative divorce process versus traditional divorce litigation, although this number is growing as couples realize the financial and emotional benefits of collaborative divorce versus traditional litigation. There were 6,084 divorces granted in the state in 2009 (an increase from 5,885 divorces in 2008).

Ninety-eight percent of all court cases settle before trial; why not go into this legal process with the idea that you’re going to work together to come out with the best settlement possible — for you, for your spouse, and for your family?

Divorce Resources

2011-04-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

Here are some resources you might find useful in researching divorce in Nebraska:

Divorcewithoutwar.com

Lifemanagement.com/flyingsolo

The McCourts: Why Litigation Can Be Costly

2011-04-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

$19 million in divorce fees? Surely your divorce won't be that expensive ... but litigation is often more costly than collaborative divorce.

Check out this article from the Huffington Post by divorce author Diana Mercer about the McCourt divorce. It's a good example of what I talked about in Thursday's post about how collaborative divorce can engineer a "Win/Win Outcome."

Collaborative Divorce on BlogTalkRadio

2011-04-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

Interested in learning more about collaborative divorce? Tune into podcasts on BlogTalkRadio. There is a channel devoted to collaborative divorce:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/search/collaborative-divorce/

In particular, you might find the resources of Collaborative Dispute Resolutions folks useful:
feed://www.blogtalkradio.com/thecollaborativedivorce.rss

The Three Principles of Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

Collaborative divorce is based on three principles:

1. The parties and their attorneys pledge in writing not to go to court.

2. Both spouses are honest in their exchange of information.

3. Each solution takes into account the needs of both spouses and their children.

A "Win/Win" Outcome for Your Divorce

2011-04-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

In traditional, adversarial divorce, there is the idea that there should be a “winner” and a “loser.” In collaborative divorce, the goal is a “win/win” outcome.

The idea of a lengthy, expensive divorce is a concern for many divorcing couples. There are, however, alternatives to courtroom litigation. An advantage of many of these alternatives is not just financial, however. Couples who use collaborative divorce, for example, may retain more control over the outcome of their financial settlements and custody arrangements.

One common misperception of collaborative divorce is that the couples must agree on everything before committing to the process. This is not the case. Instead, the couples must agree to be open and honest throughout the divorce process and work to achieve a mutually beneficial and agreeable settlement. There will certainly be disagreements along the way, but the collaborative professional team will work with the couple to solve these issues. This approach has the advantage of minimizing the negative impact of divorce on the couple and any children involved.

If the couple is not able to reach a final agreement through the collaborative process, they may still pursue litigation, but will need to hire new attorneys to represent them.

Costs and Timelines for Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

These are two of the most frequently asked questions about collaborative divorce in Nebraska — and, as with all types of divorce resolution, there’s no one standard answer.

Because a team of professionals is involved, many people automatically think collaborative divorce will be expensive. It doesn’t have to be. Collaborative divorce is frequently less expensive than litigation — even cases that don’t go to trial. That’s because litigation requires more paperwork — court filing fees and costs related to discovery — witness fees, subpoena fees, and court reporter fees.) There is no discovery in collaborative divorce. Any information that is brought up is collected and shared by the spouses themselves.

Collaborative divorce can cost more than a mediated divorce — but even with mediation, each party often still has his or her own attorney.

As for timelines, collaborative cases can go as fast or as slow as you want. You’re not waiting on a judge to set a deadline to discuss issues. Collaborative divorces move at the speed dictated by the couple and the collaborative team.

Cases will generally be resolved faster when the parties are willing to communicate and compromise, are prompt in supplying requested information (especially financial documents), and have some flexibility in scheduling — especially when conducting four-ways and five-way meetings.

Recent data shows that 90% of all litigated cases will return to court, while 90% of collaborative cases never return to court.

Collaborative Divorce vs. Litigation vs. Mediation

2011-04-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

One of the easiest ways to understand collaborative divorce is to compare it to other types of divorce resolution methods.

Collaborative divorce uses a team approach — which will be explored next. Each party is represented by his or her own attorney, but the focus is on reaching a settlement together, without court involvement.

Litigation also involves two attorneys, but the process is often adversarial. While more than 90 percent of divorces are settled outside of a court trail, the threat of having a judge make the decision for the couple can sometimes face a decision on an issue that may not be in one — or both — parties’ interest.

For example, a father may not seek additional parenting time in a visitation plan because the wife knows that if the case went to trail, the judge wouldn’t likely order the additional time. Or a wife may not seek alimony in order to pursue training for a higher-paid career because she is currently employed full-time, but in a lower-paying position than she might be qualified for, with some additional schooling.

Both of these are issues that could be addressed successfully in a collaborative divorce, because an honest discussion of motivations and outcomes often reveals shades of grey for what appear to be black-and-white issues.

Mediation shares a common interest with collaborative divorce in that couples seek agreement on their issues while working with a trained third party. The mediator meets with both parties, without their lawyers present. Mediators must be registered with the court and meet initial training and continuing education requirements. Mediators are often therapists or attorneys, but some are laypeople with an interest in conflict resolution.

Role of the Child Specialist in Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Role of the Child Specialist

When minor children are impacted by divorce, a child specialist may join the collaborative team. One child specialist is shared by both parties. This individual is a mental health specialist with expertise in child development.

Unlike child specialists that are called into work on court cases, a child specialist in a collaborative case is a neutral party who does not decide or recommend custody issues. Instead, he or she advises and guides both parties to consider what is best for them and their child or children.

The child specialist meets with children and parents separately and then helps develop the custody arrangements and state-mandated parenting plan.

Collaborative Divorce Video: A Safe Place

2011-04-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

"Collaborative Divorce: A Safe Place" is a 20-minute film following the true life story of one couple as they proceed through their own collaborative divorce. It is now streaming and available for viewing from the IACP website home page. (Note: You must install Microsoft SilverLight in order to view the video.)

This is the first such film which features actual clients, sharing their thoughts, feelings and experiences in their own words. Cameras rolled through meetings with collaborative professionals and poignant conversations among the clients.

Role of the Financial Specialist in Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

In a collaborative case, the spouses share one financial specialist. He or she is typically a Certified Public Accountant, Certified Financial Planner, or a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.

The financial specialist is a neutral party who assesses the financial issues related to the marriage and divorce and helps the couple understand the short- and long-term implications of property settlements, alimony, and child support.

A big part of the financial specialist’s job is education — helping the couple get a handle on current finances — especially assets and debts — and advising both parties on structuring a financial settlement that is most appropriate for their family.

Role of the Divorce Coach in Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

Each spouse also has a divorce coach — a mental health therapist specially trained in collaborative divorce to help guide their client through the emotional issues that are naturally a part of divorce.

The divorce coach plays a unique role in the collaborative process. People going through a divorce are used to dealing with legal and financial issues — but they don’t often realize how helpful it can be to have someone help them with the emotional and psychological issues that arise.

Research shows that divorce is the second-most stressful life event — following only the death of a spouse or a child.

Diana Mercer, co-author of “Making Divorce Work” says that only about 20% of the issues you confront in a divorce involve questions of law. Getting help resolving your anger and fear related to the divorce can lead to better decision-making.

The Role of the Attorney in Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-13T08:00:00.001-07:00

Each party has a lawyer trained in the collaborative process. Your attorney guides you through the legal issues and files court-related paperwork. This includes writing up all client agreements into the final proposed divorce degree so that it’s in compliance with Nebraska law.

The Collaborative Model

2011-04-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

What does collaborative divorce look like?

The collaborative divorce model utilizes a team approach. Each spouse utilizes a team approach. Each spouse has an attorney and a divorce coach, and they share the services of a financial specialist.

If children are involved, they can also share a child specialist. In the next few blog posts, we'll look at the roles of each team member.

Collaborative Agreement

2011-04-11T08:00:00.001-07:00

The collaborative divorce process begins with both parties agreeing to some basic ground rules — signing a collaborative agreement or participation agreement.

The parties agree to:

• Negotiate a mutually agreeable agreement without going to court. In Nebraska, a judge will sign off on the agreement, but the spouses will decide on all issues related to the divorce.

• The parties agree to start over completely if either party decides to go to court. If a settlement cannot be reached, the lawyers will withdraw from the process and new counsel will have to be retained for the ensuing litigation. The idea of starting all over again can be a powerful financial deterrent from quitting the collaborative process.

• The spouses agree to communicate openly and share information in good faith, with total transparency. If you can’t bear to be in the same room as your spouse, collaborative divorce probably isn’t for you, because many issues will be handled in group sessions known as four-ways (in which both attorneys and both divorce coaches are present with the spouses), or five-ways — meetings which also include the shared financial specialist or shared child specialist. The parties agree that communications during the process will be “fair” — and they will not take advantage of errors made by the other party. There is no “discovery” process in collaborative divorce — any information required to facilitate the divorce must be shared voluntary by the parties.

• Lastly, the collaborative agreement states that the parties will work together to create shared solutions. They don’t have to agree on everything initially, but they must agree to work to manage their emotions and reach an agreement together.

Free Teleseminar on Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 7:00 p.m. (CDT) Divorce Magazine will sponsor a free teleseminar, “Collaborative Divorce Process – Divorce Respectfully Without Going To Court.”

This 30-minute seminar will discuss the increased interest in alternatives to traditional divorce litigation, and how the process of Collaborative Divorce has been gaining attention as such an alternative.

The seminar will focus on how this process is different, because it is designed for settlement, and allows divorcing couples to take an active role in negotiating their own settlement while receiving legal advice from trained professionals; and why it is well-suited for couples who are looking for a non-adversarial, educational and professional alternative to litigating their divorce in Court.

Simply call in to 1-605-475-6333 and enter access code 440054# to listen in from any location. Long distance phone charges may apply.

What is Collaborative Divorce

2011-04-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Collaborative divorce is a way for couples to divorce without court involvement. It’s a cooperative process — not adversarial — in which each spouse in the divorce is represented by his or her own attorney, but both parties agree to focus their efforts on reaching an amicable settlement.

While in traditional divorce litigation, spouses are often trying to be the “winner” with the other spouse “losing” things like property or custody, the goal of collaborative divorce is a “win/win” outcome — where each party gets what he or she needs to move forward from the marriage.

Divorce in Nebraska

2011-04-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

Each year, the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services issues a Vital Stats Report for the previous year. The 2009 report was issued in October 2010. There were a little more than 6,000 divorces that year in the state, and almost half of the cases involved people in their 30s, interestingly enough. Many of these were relatively short divorces. One in four divorces ended marriages of three years or less. Half of those who divorced in 2009 were married for fewer than seven years.

Fifty-one percent of divorces involved couples with children. In all, there were 5,790 children affected by divorces finalized in 2009.