Divorce and Grief

Even when divorce is a mutual decision you make with your spouse, it can feel like a death has occurred. Some even say divorce is a death without sympathy cards or casseroles. In a way it is. Your marriage has died and left you two separate people instead of one. When you think of the joy of your wedding day, you can understand why the despair of the divorce can feel like something has died.

Because divorce is similar to suffering a death, the five stages of grief apply. Here they are with a few common conceptions relevant to being divorced:

Denial: This can't be happening, not to me. Nothing was wrong with our marriage. I'll go through the motions but nothing has changed really.

Anger: After all these years, he/she does this to me. How can this happen to me? No one else ever had to suffer like this. It's not fair. Look at all those happy couples; they make me sick. Why didn't my spouse try harder?

Bargaining: I'll give anything to make this go away. I'll smile and act happy so this divorce won't get me down. I'll surround myself with people so I don't have to feel divorced. I'll go out on dates and meet someone to prove I'm a worthy person. I'll change everything about myself so I don't have to give up my marriage.

Depression: Why bother at all. The world is full of couples and I don't belong anymore. I'd rather stay home. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. My life will never be good again. No one will want me now. I'm not worthy of a good relationship.

Acceptance: My marriage is over because it wasn't a good marriage. My spouse and I are better apart than we were together. It's over so I might as well start preparing for the rest of my life.

Along with these well-known stages of grief outlined by the groundbreaking author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, many therapists have reported some specific questions divorced people ask over and over again. These questions come out of the following emotions:

Confusion: What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he/she love me anymore? When did things start going wrong? Why didn't I see this coming?

Fear: How will I survive now? Who will take care of me? Will he/she take everything? Will the kids blame me? Will I have to explain things to anyone? Will everyone blame me?

Defeat: Why couldn't I make it work? Why am I such a failure? Why can't I make anyone love me?

These are universal emotions and questions. If the divorce was the idea of one partner who wanted out, these feelings may be even stronger and more confused. Though you consent to divorce, you feel as if you've been made a fool of or dragged into it.

It is hard to handle the fact that the marriage is over, that love is gone. There is no way around these feelings. You will have to go through them whether you want to or not. There's no way to get through the feelings but to go right through the middle of them. The good news is, with a little self-awareness, these hurtful feelings will eventually pass.