After the divorce proceedings have started, tempers may flare. Sitting across the lawyer's table and your kitchen table from your soon-to-be ex-spouse may be uncomfortable. When you have children, there will be times when planning childcare specifics, the where-when-how's of logistics and events, will be necessary.
Yes, no matter what you and your ex-spouse feel about each other, you will most likely need to deal together on issues concerning your children. Your marriage and divorce may have been contentious, even abusive. If so, this will make facing your ex-spouse very difficult.
Most courts will rule for leniency in child custody and visitation, quite often with joint physical custody and legal custody, for the sake of the best interest of the child. This ruling means you will be spending time with your ex-spouse, no matter how you feel about each other. The court believes the child needs both parents, but that involves both parents getting along well enough to deal with the issues of child-rearing on a grownup level.
Unfortunately, children can become unwitting pawns in the divorce process. Whether you know it or not, when you can't deal with your emotions concerning your spouse, you may be forcing your children to take sides. You may even be putting your child at risk.
Here are some issues you will need to examine in communicating with your ex-spouse and the children:
Negative Remarks About Your Spouse
Kids pick up on negativity even when not stated pointblank. These remarks, no matter how offhanded, can cloud how kids feel about their mom or dad. Kids can feel like they are choosing sides if they show love to the 'bad' parent. That is not what you want for your kids or for the relationship they will have with their other parent for the rest of their life.
Your children should be able to love both parents equally. Just as you love your children unconditionally, let your children do the same with you. Work out any rancor toward your ex-spouse with your counselor and leave your negative feelings there and away from your children. There are two sides to every story and your children do not need to hear either. Make a pact with your ex-spouse to leave your personal problems and stories out of the lives of your children.
Talking Through The kids
You are both adults. Even after an uncomfortable and oftentimes angry divorce, you still have to remember that you are in this together. You may not want to talk to each other ever again, but the fact that you have children makes this impossible. So, make up your mind to approach all child-rearing issues in an adult fashion; by talking as adults with each other.
Trouble starts when parents want to avoid each other and start passing messages back and forth through the children. Relaying messages through young children can cause confusion and put terrible stress on the child.
You've heard the expression "Don't shoot the messenger?" This is never more true than when a young child is standing in front of a parent, relaying an unpleasant message to an angry parent. Even simple messages about things like school events can get ugly fast when the message goes astray or is misunderstood. And, above all, don't ask your kids to spy on the other parent for you. Getting information about your spouse's doings through your children is a guaranteed way to make both households scary and uncertain for your children.
Discipline
You are both the parents, even after divorce. There will be times when a child needs to be disciplined. No matter what your problems were during your marriage, you must present a united front when it comes to delicate matters of discipline. It may be tempting to be the 'good' parent and avoid your child's wrath when discipline is called for, especially if you were called the 'bad' parent somewhere along the line.
Children of divorce very often learn to play one parent against the other, perhaps at first as a coping mechanism. This maneuvering to escape discipline can backfire on not only the parents, but the child. There are many cases in juvenile court that involve children who were not disciplined due to arguing parents. No one suffers more from lack of discipline than a child of divorced parents. Stand with your ex-spouse on issues of discipline and carry through.
Withholding Visitation
Visitation with the out-of-house parent is very important to a child. These visits are the only way a child can maintain a relationship with both parents. Parents make the mistake of denying visitation rights for many reasons such as disagreements with household issues, or even dating issues. If visitation is denied because you're angry with something about your spouse, take that up with your ex-spouse. Again, visitation is a court ordered matter and you want to abide by the law, as well as be understanding of your child's desire to spend time with the other parent.
If visitation is being withheld because of late or missing child support payments, you'll want to remember that the child support payment issue can become particularly heated and you want to be on the right side of the law if it comes to a full boil. Visitation and child support are separate issues in the divorce decree. You have the right to bring up the child support payment issue with your spouse and the court, but leave it out of your child's visits with their parent.
Withholding Child Support
The law is very clear on this. If the court orders child support payments, the paying spouse must pay, even when that spouse doesn't agree with something the other parent is doing. To withhold payments is not only illegal, but can be detrimental to the child's relationship with that parent. Also, withholding child support payments can alienate your ex-spouse and children, and can lead to future confrontations. When kids learn that their parent is not sending the money meant to provide them with the things they need, like clothes, food, and shelter, that child will believe first and foremost that their parent doesn't care about them. These beliefs can last a lifetime.
If you are not receiving your child support payments, you can write the judge to request a petition be filed. Non-payment of child support is contempt of court. Before doing that, however, you should talk to your ex-spouse and see if there is a problem. If you are the parent ordered to pay child support and find that you are having difficulty paying, don't just stop paying. You can write to the judge or family commissioner and request the child support ruling be reexamined. Be prepared to prove with documentation that you cannot pay the child support amount ordered in the previous ruling. Let your ex-spouse know what you are doing so there are no surprises and no recriminations that will upset your children.
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