Going Public With Your Decision to Divorce

Filing for divorce is not something you do in a vacuum. This is not a situation you can keep to yourself for very long, nor should you want to. Eventually you will have to confide in your family and friends, not only because they'll find out anyway, but to get their support.

So, when should you go public? Telling others too soon about an impending divorce can be a mistake. Everyone has an opinion and will want to share it with you and your spouse. You have already made the decision and it wasn't an easy one. Listening to opinions now just opens up those fresh wounds again. This can make the divorce proceedings very hostile as sides are taken. 

Let's take a look at a few ways to help make breaking the news a bit less painful:

Agree with Your Spouse About The Timing

Before anything is said, be sure to reach an agreement on when to let everyone else know. Before you go public with the news of your divorce, make sure that you both are comfortable with the timing. It's better to discuss all your concerns about breaking the news beforehand than risk unintentionally causing harm somehow. There may be delicate issues to consider before breaking the news to anyone.

Tell Your Children First

It won't soften the blow any if you wait to tell your kids. And you won't be doing them any favors by postponing the inevitable if they hear the news from someone else. You'll want to sit down and, depending on the age of the children, give your kids the essential information. Be brief and honest about your decision, without getting into details of your marriage. Kids basically want to know that they'll be okay, they'll have a home, and that their lives will not change too much. Kids are generally not interested in the stories behind the marital breakup. Nasty tales of anger and hurt between spouses should be saved for the therapist couch. Reassure your children that their needs will be met. Also, do not ask or expect your children to keep the divorce a secret. The stress for such a thing can be very damaging to a child.

Start Divorce Proceedings

Filing the initial divorce papers does little more than put a freeze on your marriage. However, once the decision is made, the children are told, and you agree on when you'll tell the rest of the family and your friends, this paper solidifies the decision you've made. In some cases, the sheer weight of the decision, once it's made, is lifted. Other people's opinions will come pouring in once they're told, but with the papers filed, you and your spouse will not have to go through that uncertainty again. You have already done all that. You have gone through the painful, and thoughtful decision to file for divorce. You do not want to discuss the decision, or debate it, with anyone.

You've told the children, you've discussed the timing with your spouse, and you've filed the papers. Now it is time to tell your family, friends, and anyone else who needs to know. 

Here are a couple of suggestions for arranging to tell the news, as well as a few reminders of people who should know:

Tell Your Family

This may be just a few at a time, or everyone at once. But, whatever you do, don't tell your family at a festive gathering like a holiday. Pick a time and place that is comfortable for you and your family. If at all possible, go to your families together. If one spouse is present only, it doesn't show a united front and may appear that both parties are not sure about the divorce. Also, with both spouses together, it eliminates the inevitable picking sides and bashing the other spouse. If circumstances surrounding the divorce don't allow for this, then make sure to demonstrate that discussing the other spouse's faults are off limits. Also, in this day and age of technology, there is one word of warning; stay off of social networking sites. This news does not need to be broadcast willy-nilly for the world to see. Your family deserves a personal visit. They had a stake in your marriage, too.

Tell Your Friends

Friends are very often lost to divorce. If you take into consideration this delicate balance, you'll understand why it is important to talk to your friends together. You don't want your friends to feel like they have to choose sides, and they'll feel less likely to have to when you're together. Be open with your friends about your decision to divorce without going into sordid details surrounding the break up. Most friends already have enough information anyway. If you are comfortable with your decision to divorce, your friends are more likely to feel the same way. Just like telling your family, you'll want to do so in a casual gathering with both you and your spouse present. This eliminates the possibility of spouse-bashing and reinforces the united front; and the fact that you want to remain friends even after the divorce.

Tell Teachers, Doctors, Coaches, Pastors, etc.

Don't forget the delicate issue of your kids' school, daycare, or other connections. Depending on the age of the children, they may start talking about the divorce right after you tell them, so be prepared. Arrange face-to-face meetings immediately with teachers, pastors, and other adults in your child's life so they can be prepared for changes in your child's behavior. Of course, there may be other considerations such as transportation, separate living arrangements, and other eventualities that need to be discussed.

You will eventually have to let the outside world in on your decision to divorce. When and how you choose to break the news can make a big difference in the outcome. Put as much time and thought into breaking the news as you did in the decision to get a divorce in the first place. This is a part of the process and needs to be given ample attention and time for the sake of everyone involved.