Divorce: The Big Picture

Most married people don't take divorce lightly. Ending a marriage is a complicated, messy, depressing, and often scary process. What happens during this difficult time depends largely on how each party to the divorce prepares themselves. That preparation includes the legal aspect, of course, but also the emotional preparation.

When a couple decides to divorce, the wheels are put into motion for many things, including the day-to-day decisions about where to live and how to best take care of the children. When spouses can agree to act like grownups and come to just and fair decisions together, the jagged edges of divorce can be smoothed somewhat.

This blog series has approached a few legal issues involved in divorce and the support of the children. However, this is never meant to replace sound legal advice by an attorney. Each case is different and requires more examination than a short report can offer. In other words, consult your attorney for details regarding your own divorce.

Previous blog posts have also approached the touchy subjects of healing, especially with regard to children. Children of divorce are wounded, no matter how amiable the divorce was. There is really no such thing as a friendly divorce where kids are concerned. There will be a division of households and attention, and that will cause stress for children. Do not neglect good psychological care for you or your children. Not only do you want good legal guidance during a divorce, you want good psychological guidance, as well.

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part IV

In the midst of all this, you may not have thought about something as mundane as filing your income taxes. Discuss with your tax accountant these issues:

• The advantages to finalizing divorce before the end of the year
• The advantages to finalizing divorce after the end of the year
• Filing jointly versus filing individually
• Is it reasonable to expect you and your spouse are amiable to filing jointly if necessary?

Your lawyer and tax accountant will have their own checklists which will cover in great detail the variables in your state's divorce laws. This checklist is just meant to get you discussing the basic information with your spouse so you can start gathering the necessary documentation.

When the time comes to walk into the lawyer's office, you want to have as much paperwork ready to hand over as possible. This cuts down on the discussion in front of your lawyer, which will reduce your costs. Preparation will ease the process, and with such a volatile situation as divorce, the more you can avoid chaos, the better the final outcome will be.

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part III

Be sure you discuss the following before arriving at the attorney's office:

• Will either spouse remain in home as part of the final settlement?
• Gather mortgage papers for calculating liability
• Gather estimates for repairs necessary
• Gather outstanding bills due for maintenance
• Gather any liens against property for any outstanding bills
• If principal residence is to be sold, have fair market value determined by appropriate agency
• Have real estate taxes ready; depending on state, this can be one year or several years
• Are there other real estate properties, rentals, vacation homes to divide?
• Discuss tax considerations of all property distributions with your tax accountant

The property division is usually the most tedious, but the decisions regarding child custody and child support often cause the most rancor. Because each family has unique situations, there are no hard and fast rules. Be sure to discuss your family's needs with your spouse before you arrive at the lawyer's office to save time and money. Here are several issues to consider regarding your family's support, now and in the future:

• Alimony
• Physical custody of children
• Legal custody of children
• Child support payments
• Visitation parameters
• Tax deduction for children
• Tax consequences of alimony and child support; discuss with tax accountant
• Health insurance plan changes to cover the children
• Health insurance COBRA paperwork
• Beneficiary changes and continued payments for other insurance plans
• Changes to wills and/or trusts

In a collaborative divorce, the financial specialist can help you address these issues.

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part II

Here's a quick list of some additional information you may need, but your situation may require more detail:

• Current occupation of each spouse, including names and addresses of employers
• Prior years' income tax returns; depending on state this could be one year or several years
• Income of each spouse; may require a copy of current paycheck stub
• Expenses of each spouse; may require copies of bills for a month or more

Now comes the property. This can become very tedious. Start with the largest items, then the smaller items. 

Here's a short checklist to get you started:

• Jointly and separately held large assets; have deeds, mortgage papers, stock certificates, etc. ready
• Jointly and separately held vehicles, boats, etc.; have titles and any liens ready
• Jointly and separately held bank accounts; have several months statements copied and ready
• Household belongings; have a detailed list of items with value estimated tentatively divided in half
• If there is a liability attached to any asset, have papers available to support claims

Other assets might not come immediately to mind like physical property does. Here is a list to help you start thinking of some of the less tangible items that may play a part in the divorce settlement:

• Employee benefits each spouse is entitled to including retirement
• Life, health, and disability insurance policies owned by each spouse
• Annuities
• Property settlements
• Judgments in your favor
• Trusts
• Gifts 

Decisions regarding property, large and small, will be made using the information you provide. 

Gathering And Discussing Details For Divorce - Part I

When first discussing divorce, your head may be swimming with confusion. Not only are there the day-to-day decisions to be made about taking care of the children, the bills, and the simple logistics, but there are the legal concerns as well. How do you keep your head from exploding with all the stress of a divorce proceeding?

Start with a basic checklist. The following is an overview of items to consider as you move along in the legalities of divorce. Of course, your situation will determine what applies and you will always do best to check with your attorney and tax accountant through each step.

Let's begin with the very basic information. You'll need these items written clearly on a document and/or copies of documentation to present your lawyer:

• Your full name, date of birth, and social security number
• Your spouse's full name, date of birth, and social security number
• Any prior names of you and your spouse, including birth names and previous married names -- this includes all aliases
• Full names, birth dates, and social security numbers of all children; this includes any children that you and your spouse are legally responsible for from other marriages
• A copy of your marriage license showing the date and location
• A copy of any previous marriages, divorces, or annulments
• In some states you may need a certified copy of each spouse's birth certificate
• Proof of residency in state where filing petition for divorce; this may be a copy of your drivers license
• Current addresses and phone numbers for each spouse
• Names, addresses, and phone numbers for legal counsel of both spouses
• Who is paying the legal fees?
• If there was a prenuptial agreement, have it available

After establishing your identity, history, and residency with these items, the next most likely information your attorney will ask for is your financial papers, including information about wages. You'll want to gather as much information as you can before you walk into the lawyer's office. 

Social Fitness for Divorce

Meet New People in Groups

There are several ways to enjoy the company of grownups now that you're single again. One of the best ways to meet new people is to do what you used to do in your much younger days. Remember when 'dating' was strictly done in groups? Go back to those early times when mom and dad would only let you date if you did so in a group; like all going to the movies or bowling or skating, etc. Now is the time to resurrect that practice. In doing so, you meet new people without the pressures of one-on-one dating.

Organized Fun

Another option for getting back into a social life is joining a singles group that takes part in some sort of structured activity, like tours, cruises, or other gatherings. Many church groups offer social gatherings for newly divorced people as a way to lift spirits of people in their congregation. Women's groups, universities, hospitals, and even fitness centers often arrange evenings specifically for divorced or single people to meet and have some fun away from home. Think about the activities you enjoy and I'll bet you can find a group who has organized it into a singles event.

Dating Again

Perhaps you have already spent time with groups having fun. Maybe you've even gone on a singles cruise or bike tour. If you've been spending time meeting new people doing things you enjoy doing, then it's possible you've met a single person who you have something in common with. Now comes the time when you have to consider whether or not you're ready for dating. Not the kind of dating that involves a crowd; now you're into a whole different world. Most people would agree that this step can only come after getting together with larger groups of people with similar interests. Here's where your social fitness is truly tested.

The Casual Date

If and when you finally decide it's time to date one person, there are simple rules to follow that you may not remember, or that might have changed since your dating days. When you agree to go out on a date with someone, suggest a casual, public place. Pick a time and let your date know you will meet them there. You don't want a new date to pick you up at your house. It's way to early in a relationship to let someone know where you live. First dates donÕt always go well, so you'll also want to plan for a short date. Tell your date that you have about an hour or so before you have to get your kids off to soccer practice, or some such event. That gives you, and your date, a limit on time and an easy out if things are not working well. Meet for coffee and maybe a stroll through the park and see how things go.

Kids and Boundaries 

No matter how or when you begin to get out there and meet new people, remember that every new friend doesn't have to become a part of your kids' life. These friendships can be temporary, perhaps fleeting, and kids of divorce can be adversely affected by people coming in and out of your life. Kids can become attached to new people, even hoping for a new daddy or mommy if the divorce was particularly cruel. In other words, go ahead and meet new people, even date one particular person, but do so without involving your children. Give yourself and your new friend time to get to know each other before you bring in the family.

Speed Dating and Electronic Dating

Any talk of dating these days must at least brush upon the e-dating and speed-dating world. Electronic dating is basically internet sites that offer matching services or chat-rooms to meet new people. Speed-dating is a fast-growing industry, too. It's based on the concept that you can meet someone and know in very little time if you want to know more about them, or not. Yes, there are success stories with electronic dating and speed-dating, but you have to be careful. Are you looking to meet people or are you looking to get remarried quickly? A recommendation from a friend with personal experience would be most advisable in both of these new matching services. 

And, guarding your safety is critical, so beware of any e-dating, speed-dating, chat-room, or forum that asks for too much personal or financial information. Of course, the same safety rules apply when first dating a person you have met in person and one you've met online -- meet in public, have your own car, do not give out your home address, and limit your time together.

Getting back "in shape" after a divorce takes work. You have to take care of yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and socially. When you were married, your marriage was an entity in itself. That entity took care of many of your needs. You made decisions within the marriage based on what would benefit the marriage. After the divorce is final, you start to see yourself as a single entity once again. Taking care of yourself now that you're single is crucial to coming through divorce a healthy person. The time you spend walking through this process will benefit you now, and in the future.

Physical Fitness and Your Divorce

Physical fitness is another important component of your fitness for divorce. Here are some suggestions:

Get Moving

Exercise is good for you for a number of reasons. Those wonderful feel-good hormones, the endorphins, are released during exercise and will have you feeling upbeat and positive before you know it. When you exercise you also increase oxygen to the brain, which will have you thinking more clearly, even sorting out problems you thought would never be solved. 

Your body may have suffered during the divorce due to lack of exercise and overeating. You may have gained weight. This alone can bring on feelings of self-doubt or worthlessness. Conditions like high blood pressure and high cholesterol can be alleviated with proper exercise. Your overall outlook will be better when you get out and get moving.

Eat Healthy 

When going through the divorce, you may have found yourself devouring huge bags of chips or candy. I won't go into the psychological aspects of this; you can probably see the link easily enough. But, now that the papers are signed, you need to throw out the junk and begin anew. Healthy, nutritious foods will give you the energy you need to get through the day. Eating healthy, whole foods are known to heal the body. When you provide wholesome foods to your body you are also feeding your brain. Not only will you reduce the chance of developing high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes, but you will be setting a good example for your children.

Emotional Fitness and Your Divorce

The second step in "Fitness for Divorce" is your emotional health. Here are some things to consider:

Time Out

A divorce can wreak havoc on the body, mind, and soul. The stress of raw emotions, tight finances, courtroom drama (if you didn't choose a collaborative divorce), legal haggling, and sad children can cause your entire system to shut down. You can be left depressed and physically ill. 

Take care of yourself first. You know the plane safety demonstration with the oxygen? Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then your children. There's a reason for that. You won't be any help to your children if you let yourself deteriorate. Steal money out of the grocery fund if you have to and live on beans! Do something to get away and remember what it was like to spend a little time in the company of someone special...you.

Laugh

When you get divorced, you may go through a time when nothing seems funny, or fun. You may have avoided your friends. You most likely have experienced a degree of depression. Now is a good time to have a laugh, to start living again. The sheer power that a good laugh has to improve your mood is incredible. You don't have to do anything too involved; the simpler, the better. Enjoy a funny movie. Read a funny book. Go to a playground. Climb a tree. Read the Sunday comics. Play with some puppies or kittens. Play with your kids. Do whatever you need to in order to have a good belly-laugh.

Financial Fitness and Your Divorce

Here are some tips for getting "financially fit" after divorce.

Make a Budget

When the divorce is final, your finances will probably change. Assets are divided in half, but so are the debts. With a budget, you can clearly see where your income is coming from, how much you can expect each month, and where you are in regard to the bills. Take a hard look at the budget. If you aren't taking in enough money, perhaps you'll need another job. If there are too many bills, perhaps you'll have to cut back on spending and even what you consider essentials, like cable television, the gym, new holiday outfits, and vacations.

Consider State and County Aid

When you are a newly single parent, you may be on shaky ground when it comes time to take on your share of the support of your children. Getting help from state and county agencies is a good way to make sure there is enough food on the table, a roof over your heads, and medical care when the kids need it. The court may have ordered child support payments from your ex-spouse, but getting back on your feet can be overwhelming even with child support. 

If you're the one paying child support, you may be struggling with supporting two households on one budget. You may also be eligible for state and county services.

Keep Track of Child Support Payments

This may seem obvious, but there are people who lose track of their child support payments, especially if they are automatically deposited into an account. Stay on top of those payments so you always have an accurate picture of your financial standings. If the payments fall behind, it could cause you late fees and other charges when you can't pay your power, water, mortgage, or rent.

Nebraska offers a telephone-based system to track child support payments and disbursements (for both the spouse paying child support and the one receiving it). Call 1-877-631-9973. For more information on the Voice Response System, check out this page.

Insurance and Medical Expenses

One parent or the other may have the responsibility to carry the children on their health insurance policy. You may want to sign on for COBRA, the extension of benefits, under your spouse's insurance. Laws regarding insurance policies are very precise and time-sensitive, so you need to be on top of this. If insurance is unavailable, you will have to plan for medical expenses along with your spouse. These expenses may or may not have been part of the child support order. But, either way, things come up that even a court order can't predict. This is where an amiable relationship with your ex-spouse is helpful. You will have to work out payment agreements together and without rancor for the sake of the children.

Alimony

This is a temporary arrangement whereby the court has ordered one spouse to pay the other spouse a certain amount of money each month to help ease a financial burden. Be sure to include this amount in your budget; as income for the receiving spouse or as expense for the paying spouse. The receiving spouse should be especially careful. Because alimony is a temporary payment, it is unwise to make long-term investments using the income received from alimony. Don't buy something that will take 10 years to pay off if your alimony is ordered for three years. Instead, make your plans during this time to learn the tools necessary to earn more money so you won't feel the pinch when the alimony ends.

Fitness After Divorce

The next series of blog posts will focus on "Fitness After Divorce" -- and will address financial, emotional, physical and social fitness.

Signing the final papers of your divorce may seem like the end. Yes, your marriage has ended but you are beginning a new stage in your life. This stage needs some special attention, too. Just like going through a divorce took planning and a lot of physical and emotional care, your new life will take effort, too.

Preparing for your life as a single person will take some readjusting. During the years you were married, you probably had certain plans in place for your life and lifestyle. These plans now need to be rethought. 

Handling Holidays After a Divorce

Three years ago, I got my first sense of how holidays can be different for families after a divorce. My then-sister-in-law was having an affair and my parents invited our entire family over for a picnic on Memorial Day. My sister-in-law refused to attend, so my brother brought his kids and we had a great time without her.

Although my brother didn't know it at the time, it was the first holiday that would be different for him, his children, and our entire family.

One of the things that is difficult about a litigation divorce is the animosity it creates. When you're involved in an adversarial battle, things like holidays become a situation where both spouses want to "win." My sister-in-law, for example, is a Christmas junkie. She would buy thousands of dollars in Christmas presents each year (whether they could afford it or not). So that first Christmas after the divorce filing became a battleground. Even though she was broke, she spent more than a thousand dollars on gifts. My brother, financially drained from his own attorney fees and child support, couldn't afford to spend much on the kids. Combined with disagreements about how visitation would be handled for the holidays and invitations from his in-laws for him and the kids to spend New Year's with them (that was rescinded when my sister-in-law found out), it was just messy.

Collaborative divorce doesn't mean that there won't be disagreements about holidays (or how much is spent on the kids' gifts), but it means that you take a bigger picture approach. You have to be willing to give a little to get a little. And give up your idea of what a "perfect" holiday looks like.

On that Memorial Day in 2008, we got our first glimpse of what future holidays would look like. It didn't look like previous holidays, but we adapted. We survived. We thrived.

When you're considering what kind of relationship you want to have with your spouse after the divorce, remember that how the divorce unfolds will have a big impact on that outcome. If you go for the short-term win, you're going to lose in the long run. You're not just making decisions that affect today -- you're making decisions that will affect your future. Consider carefully.

Resources for Women in Divorce

The e-book, "Divorce 101: A Women's Guide" is a useful resource for women contemplating -- or going thorough a divorce. Here is a look at the table of contents from the book:

I. Introduction

II. Preparing for Your Divorce

• The Emotions of Divorce
• Preparing Yourself for Divorce
• Financial Precautions
• Dirty Divorce Tricks
• Separating Before Divorce
• Domestic Abuse
• Dating During Divorce

III. Getting Your Information Together

• Documents to Have on Hand
• Personal Information Worksheet
• Income Worksheet
• Calculating Your Living Expenses

IV. Getting Legal Help

• Do You Need a Divorce Lawyer?
• Finding the Right Lawyer
• Lawyer Interview Worksheet
• Retaining and Working With Your Lawyer
• Changing Lawyers
• Collaborative Divorce

V. Understanding the Legal Aspects of Divorce

• The Divorce Process
• Separation and Residency Requirements
• Grounds for Divorce
• Contested, Uncontested, And Default Divorce
• Temporary Rules/Interim Orders
• Bifurcated Divorce
• Military Divorce
• The Discovery Process
• What Is Decided in A Divorce Settlement?
• Negotiating You Divorce Settlement
• Using Mediation
• Arbitration
• The Divorce Trial

VI. Splitting the Assets and Debts

• Marital vs. Separate Property
• Community Property vs. Equitable Distribution
• The Family Home
• Pensions and Retirement Accounts
• Business Assets and Professional Degrees
• Asset Worksheets
• Debt Worksheets
• Dividing Assets and Debts
• Bankruptcy and Divorce

VII. Making Decisions About the Children

• Deciding Child Custody
• Types of Custody 
• The "Best Interests of The Child"
• Child Custody Mediation
• Preparing for a Custody Battle
• Child Custody Trial
• Other Custody Issues
• Custody Modification
• Visitation Overview
• Visitation Schedule
• Parenting Plans

VIII. Financial Support

• Child Support
• Child Support Enforcement
• Alimony
• Alimony Payments & Modification

IX. Wrapping Things Up

• Changing Your Name
• Tax Consequences of Divorce
• Divorce Agreement Checklist
• Finalizing Your Divorce
• Modification and Enforcement
• After the Divorce

X. Conclusion

XI. Recommended Resources

You'll also receive these bonuses with the purchase of the book:

Bonus #1 -- The Smart Woman's Guide to Divorce Get up to speed fast with these straight-forward answers to the questions I frequently get asked about divorce. This guide covers pre-divorce concerns, getting legal help, understanding how divorce works, deciding how financial issues should be handled, making decisions about the children, and taking care of everything after divorce.

Bonus #2 -- The Ultimate Self-Help Divorce Kit Many women don't even know where to begin to looking for specific information that applies to their own situation. So I've done all the work for you. This one-stop resource guide will give you what you need to know about divorce in your state and help you locate any services you may need.  With this handy reference guide, you'll be able to: Access state-specific divorce forms Understand the relevant divorce laws in your state Discover what to do if you can't afford to hire a lawyer Gain access to child support calculators for your state   Get help if you're in an abusive relationship Locate divorce support groups to help you cope with everything

Bonus #3 -- Surviving The Nightmare of Divorce Divorce is one of the most painful and disruptive events a woman can experience. Whether you initiated the divorce or feel victimized by it, you will probably undergo a wide range of emotions when your marriage ends. This book will help you work through those emotions so you can look to the future with hope instead of behind you with resentment.

Bonus #4 -- Adjusting To Post-Divorce Life This is an in-depth interview I did with Life Coach Gloria Swardenski, discussing the various emotions that come up after divorce and how to move forward with your life. Listen in as we discuss tips and strategies you can use immediately to improve your mood and overcome the obstacles that may be holding your back.

Parenting With Your Ex-Spouse: Part II

Your divorce has made you legally two separate people. However, in one aspect you are still as one _ parents. Because of this uniting element in your lives, you have to decide to accept the fact and be the grownups in the family. Will it be hard to see your spouse again after the divorce? Probably. Can you handle it? You'd better be able to! For the sake of your children, you will come together and discuss issues that affect you, your ex-spouse, and the lives of your children. This divorce and the outfall from it will affect your children for the rest of their lives. Start right by being adults and you'll be off to a proper start.

Parenting With Your Ex-Spouse: Part I

After the divorce proceedings have started, tempers may flare. Sitting across the lawyer's table and your kitchen table from your soon-to-be ex-spouse may be uncomfortable. When you have children, there will be times when planning childcare specifics, the where-when-how's of logistics and events, will be necessary.

Yes, no matter what you and your ex-spouse feel about each other, you will most likely need to deal together on issues concerning your children. Your marriage and divorce may have been contentious, even abusive. If so, this will make facing your ex-spouse very difficult.

Most courts will rule for leniency in child custody and visitation, quite often with joint physical custody and legal custody, for the sake of the best interest of the child. This ruling means you will be spending time with your ex-spouse, no matter how you feel about each other. The court believes the child needs both parents, but that involves both parents getting along well enough to deal with the issues of child-rearing on a grownup level.

Unfortunately, children can become unwitting pawns in the divorce process. Whether you know it or not, when you can't deal with your emotions concerning your spouse, you may be forcing your children to take sides. You may even be putting your child at risk. 

Here are some issues you will need to examine in communicating with your ex-spouse and the children:

Negative Remarks About Your Spouse

Kids pick up on negativity even when not stated pointblank. These remarks, no matter how offhanded, can cloud how kids feel about their mom or dad. Kids can feel like they are choosing sides if they show love to the 'bad' parent. That is not what you want for your kids or for the relationship they will have with their other parent for the rest of their life.

Your children should be able to love both parents equally. Just as you love your children unconditionally, let your children do the same with you. Work out any rancor toward your ex-spouse with your counselor and leave your negative feelings there and away from your children. There are two sides to every story and your children do not need to hear either. Make a pact with your ex-spouse to leave your personal problems and stories out of the lives of your children.

Talking Through The kids

You are both adults. Even after an uncomfortable and oftentimes angry divorce, you still have to remember that you are in this together. You may not want to talk to each other ever again, but the fact that you have children makes this impossible. So, make up your mind to approach all child-rearing issues in an adult fashion; by talking as adults with each other.

Trouble starts when parents want to avoid each other and start passing messages back and forth through the children. Relaying messages through young children can cause confusion and put terrible stress on the child. 

You've heard the expression "Don't shoot the messenger?" This is never more true than when a young child is standing in front of a parent, relaying an unpleasant message to an angry parent. Even simple messages about things like school events can get ugly fast when the message goes astray or is misunderstood. And, above all, don't ask your kids to spy on the other parent for you. Getting information about your spouse's doings through your children is a guaranteed way to make both households scary and uncertain for your children.

Discipline

You are both the parents, even after divorce. There will be times when a child needs to be disciplined. No matter what your problems were during your marriage, you must present a united front when it comes to delicate matters of discipline. It may be tempting to be the 'good' parent and avoid your child's wrath when discipline is called for, especially if you were called the 'bad' parent somewhere along the line.

Children of divorce very often learn to play one parent against the other, perhaps at first as a coping mechanism. This maneuvering to escape discipline can backfire on not only the parents, but the child. There are many cases in juvenile court that involve children who were not disciplined due to arguing parents. No one suffers more from lack of discipline than a child of divorced parents. Stand with your ex-spouse on issues of discipline and carry through.

Withholding Visitation

Visitation with the out-of-house parent is very important to a child. These visits are the only way a child can maintain a relationship with both parents. Parents make the mistake of denying visitation rights for many reasons such as disagreements with household issues, or even dating issues. If visitation is denied because you're angry with something about your spouse, take that up with your ex-spouse. Again, visitation is a court ordered matter and you want to abide by the law, as well as be understanding of your child's desire to spend time with the other parent.

If visitation is being withheld because of late or missing child support payments, you'll want to remember that the child support payment issue can become particularly heated and you want to be on the right side of the law if it comes to a full boil. Visitation and child support are separate issues in the divorce decree. You have the right to bring up the child support payment issue with your spouse and the court, but leave it out of your child's visits with their parent.

Withholding Child Support

The law is very clear on this. If the court orders child support payments, the paying spouse must pay, even when that spouse doesn't agree with something the other parent is doing. To withhold payments is not only illegal, but can be detrimental to the child's relationship with that parent. Also, withholding child support payments can alienate your ex-spouse and children, and can lead to future confrontations. When kids learn that their parent is not sending the money meant to provide them with the things they need, like clothes, food, and shelter, that child will believe first and foremost that their parent doesn't care about them. These beliefs can last a lifetime.

If you are not receiving your child support payments, you can write the judge to request a petition be filed. Non-payment of child support is contempt of court. Before doing that, however, you should talk to your ex-spouse and see if there is a problem. If you are the parent ordered to pay child support and find that you are having difficulty paying, don't just stop paying. You can write to the judge or family commissioner and request the child support ruling be reexamined. Be prepared to prove with documentation that you cannot pay the child support amount ordered in the previous ruling. Let your ex-spouse know what you are doing so there are no surprises and no recriminations that will upset your children.

Beginning the Healing Process After Divorce

It won't be today or tomorrow, but you will return to a normal life. Often, the healing process begins after the final papers are signed. During the process, too much is going on. Each day is like shifting sand and getting through the day is hard enough without the additional stress of delving deeply into your feelings. When the divorce is granted and your routine is once again mapped out, you will find yourself in a position to quiet down for a few moments and give yourself time to think, and feel. During those times of self-discovery, you will find it helpful to talk to supportive people. Here are a few ideas for after-divorce care:

Divorce Support Group

This can be at your church, hospital, or local community center. Divorce groups are there to share feelings, discuss resources, and help you move toward a future after this devastating process. These groups are often run by trained facilitators but the participants are given a lot of latitude and basically run the show. This may be to your liking if you need to hear that you are not alone in your experience and if you learn best by shared stories. This may not be to your liking if you desire anonymity as the group members may know you, and vice versa. These support groups are often free of charge and can have the bonus of meeting new people, which will help you get through some of the grieving.

Here are some resources for divorce groups in Nebraska.

Professional Counseling

You may find a divorce counselor through your doctor, pastor, or a friend. Be sure when you meet with your counselor that he or she fits your personality. You will feel more comfortable sharing your feelings with them. A counselor may come highly recommended, but if your personalities don't click, you won't be moving through the stages of grief as you should. Professional counseling is not free and can actually be quite costly. Some insurance policies may cover a portion of the charges. Shop around for prices as there are several levels of professional counseling degrees charging at different rates.

You can use Psychology Today's "Therapy Directory" to find a therapist in Nebraska.

Trusted Friend or Family Member

You will need the support of your family and friends as you go through your day-to-day routine. There will be occasions where you'll be getting together, now without your spouse. Someone within those groups who you can trust is an asset in several ways. You'll have someone who knows how you feel when things happen; someone who can help you handle situations that are sensitive. One thing to remember is not to wear out their ears. Your friends and family will eventually tire of the tears and complaints. Even though a trusted friend or family member can help you through your difficult times, be aware that their patience is limited. Use the time you have with them to find solutions to real problems, after you've shed a tear or two, to keep things in balance.

Many people who have gone through a divorce say that the stress they experienced during the divorce was more devastating than the stress they felt during their marriage. That's why it's so important to invest fully in healing after the divorce. Once you've made that decision, find the resources you need to heal and make use of everything at your disposal. The quicker you get to work, the quicker you regain firm footing once again. Yes, divorce is the end of your marriage, but it is not the end of your life.

Approach the healing process in the right way and you'll come out of it with a clearer understanding of yourself, along with a fresh new start.

Divorce and Grief

Even when divorce is a mutual decision you make with your spouse, it can feel like a death has occurred. Some even say divorce is a death without sympathy cards or casseroles. In a way it is. Your marriage has died and left you two separate people instead of one. When you think of the joy of your wedding day, you can understand why the despair of the divorce can feel like something has died.

Because divorce is similar to suffering a death, the five stages of grief apply. Here they are with a few common conceptions relevant to being divorced:

Denial: This can't be happening, not to me. Nothing was wrong with our marriage. I'll go through the motions but nothing has changed really.

Anger: After all these years, he/she does this to me. How can this happen to me? No one else ever had to suffer like this. It's not fair. Look at all those happy couples; they make me sick. Why didn't my spouse try harder?

Bargaining: I'll give anything to make this go away. I'll smile and act happy so this divorce won't get me down. I'll surround myself with people so I don't have to feel divorced. I'll go out on dates and meet someone to prove I'm a worthy person. I'll change everything about myself so I don't have to give up my marriage.

Depression: Why bother at all. The world is full of couples and I don't belong anymore. I'd rather stay home. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. My life will never be good again. No one will want me now. I'm not worthy of a good relationship.

Acceptance: My marriage is over because it wasn't a good marriage. My spouse and I are better apart than we were together. It's over so I might as well start preparing for the rest of my life.

Along with these well-known stages of grief outlined by the groundbreaking author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, many therapists have reported some specific questions divorced people ask over and over again. These questions come out of the following emotions:

Confusion: What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he/she love me anymore? When did things start going wrong? Why didn't I see this coming?

Fear: How will I survive now? Who will take care of me? Will he/she take everything? Will the kids blame me? Will I have to explain things to anyone? Will everyone blame me?

Defeat: Why couldn't I make it work? Why am I such a failure? Why can't I make anyone love me?

These are universal emotions and questions. If the divorce was the idea of one partner who wanted out, these feelings may be even stronger and more confused. Though you consent to divorce, you feel as if you've been made a fool of or dragged into it.

It is hard to handle the fact that the marriage is over, that love is gone. There is no way around these feelings. You will have to go through them whether you want to or not. There's no way to get through the feelings but to go right through the middle of them. The good news is, with a little self-awareness, these hurtful feelings will eventually pass.

Alimony

The word "Alimony" may evoke images of Hollywood, but alimony is designed for everyday people, too. Divorcing spouses may not be on even ground when it comes to their income or the ability to make an income. The court will take into account several items before deciding on alimony. This will include each spouses ability to support themselves, any special needs, the length of the marriage, outstanding debts, and the standard of living for each spouse. The courts want to equitably distribute income between spouses when it affects quality of life.

The order to pay alimony is meant to help the spouse who is less likely to earn enough to get back on their feet. Most states allow for a reasonable time for alimony, anywhere from a few months to a few years. The court also may take into consideration cases where one spouse supported the other when, for instance, in medical school. Alimony is usually not considered a lifetime commitment. However, in instances such as extreme inequitable income due to age, disability, or other unusual circumstances, one spouse may require support for the rest of their life. Most alimony orders can be revisited as circumstances change. Most typically alimony ends when the receiving party remarries.

When a divorce is imminent, be aware that you may have some very painful issues to face; way beyond the division of property and assets. Along with your child's welfare, the courts will make sure that both parents can support themselves, and if not, that they are provided for. These topics often bring out the worst in people during a divorce. Try to resolve as many of these difficult issues before you get into the courtroom. When that's not possible, call in the professionals and resign yourself to the fact that you are legally bound to take care of your family, even after divorce.

Alimony was awarded in only about 10% (616 of 6,084) of divorces in Nebraska in 2009.

The order to pay alimony is meant to help the spouse who is less likely to earn enough to get back on their feet. Most states allow for a reasonable time for alimony, anywhere from a few months to a few years. The court also may take into consideration cases where one spouse supported the other when, for instance, in medical school. Alimony is usually not considered a lifetime commitment. However, in instances such as extreme inequitable income due to age, disability, or other unusual circumstances, one spouse may require support for the rest of their life. Most alimony orders can be revisited as circumstances change. Most typically alimony ends when the receiving party remarries.

When a divorce is imminent, be aware that you may have some very painful issues to face; way beyond the division of property and assets. Along with your child's welfare, the courts will make sure that both parents can support themselves, and if not, that they are provided for. These topics often bring out the worst in people during a divorce. Try to resolve as many of these difficult issues before you get into the courtroom. When that's not possible, call in the professionals and resign yourself to the fact that you are legally bound to take care of your family, even after divorce.

Supporting Your Family After the Divorce -- Part II

Let's look at some of the basics of the issues of child custody and support issues.

Child Custody 

The first thing to realize is that deciding on the custody of a child can be an emotional tug-of-war. The courts have both physical and legal custody arrangements to consider. Physical and legal custody may be awarded jointly or solely. Sole physical custody may be granted to one parent for the simple reason of logistics. However, even when sole physical custody is awarded to one parent, the other parent may be granted liberal visitation rights. The physical custody of a child does not necessarily affect the legal custody. 

Depending on the situation, the court may award physical or legal custody either jointly or solely in any combination that the situation calls for. These custody arrangements may also stipulate for holidays and school vacations that the situation calls for. These custody arrangements may also stipulate for holidays and school vacations.

If divorcing parents can't come to a mutual decision that is in the best interest of the children, the court has the right to intervene on the child's behalf. In Nebraska, parents are required to mediate their parenting plans -- and a parenting plan must be filed with the court before the divorce can be finalized.

A family court commissioner may be given temporary legal custody in order to make the decision when parents can't come to terms with child care, custody, and support issues. The interest of the children will come first before any parental requests. In many states, older children may be asked who they want to live with and that will be taken into consideration. Home studies are not uncommon when child custody is being disputed. It is a rare case in today's society for a ruling to be made for sole custody both physically and legally. This situation would only be seen in cases where the court has reason to believe a child's welfare is in danger.

Child Support

This is one of the most disputed parts of a divorce where children are involved. The financial support of the child must be determined and often becomes very distasteful to at least one parent. Most states have very specific laws about what level of support is required. Depending on the state the divorce is granted, child support will be based on several things; the needs of the child, the income of one or both parents, and standard of living for the child. Some states have a percentage range for each child while other states have a flat dollar amount per child. In addition, parents can reach agreements on their own regarding certain items beyond child support, such as gifts and other non-essentials.

What parents are not allowed to do is decide not to pay child support. Child support orders are law and if the stipulated party decides not to pay, they are in contempt of court and can be jailed. If non-payment occurs, wages can be garnished and tax returns can be seized. In order to avoid paying child support, some non-custodial parents have tried to petition the court to give up any claim to their child. This is a maneuver that gets very little if any sympathy from the courts and does, in fact, cause most judges a great deal of ire. If you want to incur the wrath of a judge during custody hearings, try giving up your legal responsibilities to your child. The financial support of the child is the responsibility of both parents and the courts will see to it that the children of divorced parents are provided for, whether you like it or not.

Supporting Your Family After the Divorce - Part I

When parents decide to divorce, there is so much more to consider than the equitable division of property and assets. Although splitting bank accounts and deciding who's going to live where are major considerations, there are some emotionally charged discussions that will inevitably happen.

Of course, we're talking about kids and support. When it comes to these issues, the fur really can begin to fly. How can you and your spouse keep your heads when it comes to your children, their support, and alimony? You can diffuse the situation somewhat by learning the legalities. This can often stop the constant debating and arguing. Once you know what the law says in your state, your opinion won't matter much.

Start by getting the facts about the legal ramifications for child custody and support. Discuss in detail what you expect from your spouse regarding these delicate matters. Do so in private if you and your spouse are amiable. If not, sit down with your lawyer or a representative of the family courts to iron out your differences.

However, child support guidelines are just that -- a guideline. You and your spouse can agree to handle support issues outside of the state guidelines.

For example, you can plan for your child's college education in a collaborative agreement, but in traditional litigation, judges don’t have the power to provide for support of children after age 19 in Nebraska. If there is an issue of extraordinary expenses (like sending Johnny to basketball camp), this can be addressed in a collaborative agreement. Sharing joint legal custody requires both parents to agree on activities that parents will participate in, particularly if they impinge on the non-residential parents’ time, but that doesn't address the "who will pay" issue. For example, you can write into parenting plan that any camps or child care provided during the summer will be shared at the parent’s income ratios. 

You are preparing to divide your family life down the middle. Some of these divisions are easier than others. Separating the custody of your children, their support, and the support of each other can be a touchy subject. 

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

The decision to divorce may be based on many things. Certainly, one of those things is your feelings for your spouse, but the feelings of your children are going to be a factor as well.

Sometimes, when you are fighting with your spouse, you become focused on your feelings and your feelings only. You try to keep the kids protected by smiling and keeping the routine the same. But kids are smart and sensitive to changes in mood. They can sense that something has changed in their house.

No matter what a child's age, how you handle the decision to divorce will affect their lives. 

Let's take a look at a few ways you can attempt to move more smoothly through the very difficult emotions and issues that are bound to arise from a divorce:

Don't Involve the Kids in Your Arguments

When you are in the middle of an argument with your spouse, keep it to yourselves. Children caught up in their parents' disagreements often feel responsible and believe they are the reason for the problem and, ultimately, the divorce. Take a minute to calm down and regroup. Discuss your problems in private, out of earshot of the kids. Table any discussion of divorce until you can be alone. When disagreements involve day-to-day childcare and household routines, agree to disagree and come up with a resolution in private.

Talk To Your Kids Together

Show your kids a united front so they know that mommy and daddy love them equally. Use age appropriate language. If your children are teenagers, tell it to them straight. They don't need to hear the details of the divorce, but give them the basic facts, and don't get into any mudslinging. For younger kids, you can tell them that mommy and daddy are not going to be living in the same house anymore but that each home will be their home, too.

Reassure Your Kids That They Did Not Cause the Divorce 

One of the first things that come to a child's mind is that they did something to cause the divorce. Children have an incredible sense that they are the center of a marriage and believe things they do or say can cause a marriage to crumble. Confirm with them that your decision has nothing to do with them or their behavior, and that your feelings for them have not changed. Let your children know in no uncertain terms that they did not cause the divorce and they can do nothing to fix things either. This takes a lot of pressure off your kids in many ways.

Involve Your Kids in the New Arrangements

If you think divorce has brought a whirlwind into your life, think about your children. They may feel like they have been sucked up by a tornado with no control over where they might land. Help them to come to terms with the decision by involving them in the changes that are to come. If you are the spouse that is moving out, take them apartment hunting so they can see that you are planning room for them in your home. If new schools are an issue, be sure to visit the schools and meet the teachers and principal.

Seek Counseling for Your Kids

Don't go it alone or think you can answer all the questions your kids ask. You and your spouse may have gone through marriage counseling and perhaps feel it didn't work because you are still getting a divorce. However, when it comes to your children, you are looking at long-term care. After all, you are responsible for your child's emotional as well as physical health. Consider the fact that your children may not be sharing all their feelings with you, even when asked. Many children have deep-seated feelings that are best resolved with a professional third party. There are too many cases of divorced parents believing their children are "fine" only to discover years later that they were just burying hurt that surfaced later in painful acting-out. Your kids are worth this investment.

Children are resilient, but they need your help. Let your kids know that they will always be taken care of and that you both love them equally. Don't involve them in your daily squabbles, but do involve them in your daily decisions. In other words, be the adults and surround your kids with love and security.

In a collaborative divorce, the role of the child specialist is to assist the children with coping with and preparing for the divorce. The cooperation of both parents in working with the child specialist will ensure that the children's needs are considered during this difficult process.