Parenting With Your Ex-Spouse: Part II

Your divorce has made you legally two separate people. However, in one aspect you are still as one _ parents. Because of this uniting element in your lives, you have to decide to accept the fact and be the grownups in the family. Will it be hard to see your spouse again after the divorce? Probably. Can you handle it? You'd better be able to! For the sake of your children, you will come together and discuss issues that affect you, your ex-spouse, and the lives of your children. This divorce and the outfall from it will affect your children for the rest of their lives. Start right by being adults and you'll be off to a proper start.

Parenting With Your Ex-Spouse: Part I

After the divorce proceedings have started, tempers may flare. Sitting across the lawyer's table and your kitchen table from your soon-to-be ex-spouse may be uncomfortable. When you have children, there will be times when planning childcare specifics, the where-when-how's of logistics and events, will be necessary.

Yes, no matter what you and your ex-spouse feel about each other, you will most likely need to deal together on issues concerning your children. Your marriage and divorce may have been contentious, even abusive. If so, this will make facing your ex-spouse very difficult.

Most courts will rule for leniency in child custody and visitation, quite often with joint physical custody and legal custody, for the sake of the best interest of the child. This ruling means you will be spending time with your ex-spouse, no matter how you feel about each other. The court believes the child needs both parents, but that involves both parents getting along well enough to deal with the issues of child-rearing on a grownup level.

Unfortunately, children can become unwitting pawns in the divorce process. Whether you know it or not, when you can't deal with your emotions concerning your spouse, you may be forcing your children to take sides. You may even be putting your child at risk. 

Here are some issues you will need to examine in communicating with your ex-spouse and the children:

Negative Remarks About Your Spouse

Kids pick up on negativity even when not stated pointblank. These remarks, no matter how offhanded, can cloud how kids feel about their mom or dad. Kids can feel like they are choosing sides if they show love to the 'bad' parent. That is not what you want for your kids or for the relationship they will have with their other parent for the rest of their life.

Your children should be able to love both parents equally. Just as you love your children unconditionally, let your children do the same with you. Work out any rancor toward your ex-spouse with your counselor and leave your negative feelings there and away from your children. There are two sides to every story and your children do not need to hear either. Make a pact with your ex-spouse to leave your personal problems and stories out of the lives of your children.

Talking Through The kids

You are both adults. Even after an uncomfortable and oftentimes angry divorce, you still have to remember that you are in this together. You may not want to talk to each other ever again, but the fact that you have children makes this impossible. So, make up your mind to approach all child-rearing issues in an adult fashion; by talking as adults with each other.

Trouble starts when parents want to avoid each other and start passing messages back and forth through the children. Relaying messages through young children can cause confusion and put terrible stress on the child. 

You've heard the expression "Don't shoot the messenger?" This is never more true than when a young child is standing in front of a parent, relaying an unpleasant message to an angry parent. Even simple messages about things like school events can get ugly fast when the message goes astray or is misunderstood. And, above all, don't ask your kids to spy on the other parent for you. Getting information about your spouse's doings through your children is a guaranteed way to make both households scary and uncertain for your children.

Discipline

You are both the parents, even after divorce. There will be times when a child needs to be disciplined. No matter what your problems were during your marriage, you must present a united front when it comes to delicate matters of discipline. It may be tempting to be the 'good' parent and avoid your child's wrath when discipline is called for, especially if you were called the 'bad' parent somewhere along the line.

Children of divorce very often learn to play one parent against the other, perhaps at first as a coping mechanism. This maneuvering to escape discipline can backfire on not only the parents, but the child. There are many cases in juvenile court that involve children who were not disciplined due to arguing parents. No one suffers more from lack of discipline than a child of divorced parents. Stand with your ex-spouse on issues of discipline and carry through.

Withholding Visitation

Visitation with the out-of-house parent is very important to a child. These visits are the only way a child can maintain a relationship with both parents. Parents make the mistake of denying visitation rights for many reasons such as disagreements with household issues, or even dating issues. If visitation is denied because you're angry with something about your spouse, take that up with your ex-spouse. Again, visitation is a court ordered matter and you want to abide by the law, as well as be understanding of your child's desire to spend time with the other parent.

If visitation is being withheld because of late or missing child support payments, you'll want to remember that the child support payment issue can become particularly heated and you want to be on the right side of the law if it comes to a full boil. Visitation and child support are separate issues in the divorce decree. You have the right to bring up the child support payment issue with your spouse and the court, but leave it out of your child's visits with their parent.

Withholding Child Support

The law is very clear on this. If the court orders child support payments, the paying spouse must pay, even when that spouse doesn't agree with something the other parent is doing. To withhold payments is not only illegal, but can be detrimental to the child's relationship with that parent. Also, withholding child support payments can alienate your ex-spouse and children, and can lead to future confrontations. When kids learn that their parent is not sending the money meant to provide them with the things they need, like clothes, food, and shelter, that child will believe first and foremost that their parent doesn't care about them. These beliefs can last a lifetime.

If you are not receiving your child support payments, you can write the judge to request a petition be filed. Non-payment of child support is contempt of court. Before doing that, however, you should talk to your ex-spouse and see if there is a problem. If you are the parent ordered to pay child support and find that you are having difficulty paying, don't just stop paying. You can write to the judge or family commissioner and request the child support ruling be reexamined. Be prepared to prove with documentation that you cannot pay the child support amount ordered in the previous ruling. Let your ex-spouse know what you are doing so there are no surprises and no recriminations that will upset your children.

Supporting Your Family After the Divorce -- Part II

Let's look at some of the basics of the issues of child custody and support issues.

Child Custody 

The first thing to realize is that deciding on the custody of a child can be an emotional tug-of-war. The courts have both physical and legal custody arrangements to consider. Physical and legal custody may be awarded jointly or solely. Sole physical custody may be granted to one parent for the simple reason of logistics. However, even when sole physical custody is awarded to one parent, the other parent may be granted liberal visitation rights. The physical custody of a child does not necessarily affect the legal custody. 

Depending on the situation, the court may award physical or legal custody either jointly or solely in any combination that the situation calls for. These custody arrangements may also stipulate for holidays and school vacations that the situation calls for. These custody arrangements may also stipulate for holidays and school vacations.

If divorcing parents can't come to a mutual decision that is in the best interest of the children, the court has the right to intervene on the child's behalf. In Nebraska, parents are required to mediate their parenting plans -- and a parenting plan must be filed with the court before the divorce can be finalized.

A family court commissioner may be given temporary legal custody in order to make the decision when parents can't come to terms with child care, custody, and support issues. The interest of the children will come first before any parental requests. In many states, older children may be asked who they want to live with and that will be taken into consideration. Home studies are not uncommon when child custody is being disputed. It is a rare case in today's society for a ruling to be made for sole custody both physically and legally. This situation would only be seen in cases where the court has reason to believe a child's welfare is in danger.

Child Support

This is one of the most disputed parts of a divorce where children are involved. The financial support of the child must be determined and often becomes very distasteful to at least one parent. Most states have very specific laws about what level of support is required. Depending on the state the divorce is granted, child support will be based on several things; the needs of the child, the income of one or both parents, and standard of living for the child. Some states have a percentage range for each child while other states have a flat dollar amount per child. In addition, parents can reach agreements on their own regarding certain items beyond child support, such as gifts and other non-essentials.

What parents are not allowed to do is decide not to pay child support. Child support orders are law and if the stipulated party decides not to pay, they are in contempt of court and can be jailed. If non-payment occurs, wages can be garnished and tax returns can be seized. In order to avoid paying child support, some non-custodial parents have tried to petition the court to give up any claim to their child. This is a maneuver that gets very little if any sympathy from the courts and does, in fact, cause most judges a great deal of ire. If you want to incur the wrath of a judge during custody hearings, try giving up your legal responsibilities to your child. The financial support of the child is the responsibility of both parents and the courts will see to it that the children of divorced parents are provided for, whether you like it or not.

Divorce in Nebraska Statistics

From the Nebraska Health and Human Services Vital Stats Report:

More divorces were granted to people in their thirties than in any other decade of life, with 44.9% of Nebraska divorces in 2009 involving at least one person between 30 and 39 years of age. Almost one of every four (23.5%) Nebraska divorces in 2009 terminated marriages lasting three years or less, while almost half (48.6%) ended marriages lasting seven years or less. Just over half (51.5%) of the state's 2009 divorces involved couples with children, and of the 5,790 children affected by these divorces, nearly two-thirds (61.6%) were placed solely in custody of the wife. More than half (57.0%) of the state’s 2009 divorces involved a settlement of some type: child support was the most frequent type of settlement and was awarded in 2,436 divorces, followed by property (awarded in 1,622 divorces), medical reimbursement (awarded in 746 divorces), and alimony (awarded in 616 divorces).